I wanted to talk about the mental illness that many people are often not talking about and that keep a secret only makes worse and will likely kill you. Eating disorders. They have the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric disorder. I struggled with both anorexia and bulimia or over 15 years. It caused me to attempt suicide twice because I felt so desperate, like I would never get out of this destructive cycle with food and that no one could possibly help me find a way out. I kept my eating disorder a secret for a long time from everyone in my life and it nearly destroyed me. It caused me to be depressed and anxious and engage in whole host of other behaviors. I tried multiple treatment centers hoping to find the answer. I would do well for a while after discharger, but ultimately I would relapse. Eating disorders are lonely. You cut everyone out of your life because you become consumed with these behaviors and letting anyone in will stop you. After multiple treatment centers I began to think I was a lost cause. I would become a statistic. Either die from the disorder or just never recover.

“And the day when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it to blossom” ~ Anais Nin

What finally clicked? My life became a bit more complicated. I was raped and was suffering from PTSD in addition to the anorexia. I was ultimately forced into a treatment center and thankfully it saved my life. But, only because I made the decision that I was going to change my life. You can go to all the treatment centers in the country but until you are ready to make the change for yourself the change just may not stick. That was four years ago. Have I had some slips? Absolutely, that’s just part of the process. But, I haven’t relapsed. And I’m PTSD free.  I spent a long time in treatment working through all the things that were behind the starving and purging. And then I relearned my relationship with food again. For many of you this will sound simple. Eating disorders are complex, they are not a diet or phase. Food is the symptom of something much deeper.

For awhile I have wanted to write this, but I was too afraid too. I decided to because people around are sharing their stories and I admire them for it because they bring awareness and say to others struggling that they aren’t alone. I hope that mine will do the same, this is my story with mental health.
I have changed both physically and mentally throughout the almost twenty years of my life. I learned to grow and sometimes even laugh at some of the mistakes I have made. I can laugh at a mistake, but also be caught up in it and overthink it. I was an odd kid in middle school, I’ll admit it. After I did something stupid for attention, when I was thirteen, I instantly regretted it. People would talk about me and what I did, but they didn’t know that I really regretted it. I couldn’t control what they were saying about me, but there was something that I could control. That is when my eating disorder and obsession with my weight developed.

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I personally learned the power of storytelling when I collaborated with 2 colleagues to raise money for Project HEAL - a non-profit that provides grant funding to people with eating disorders who cannot afford treatment.  At first the pledges came in slower than we hoped.  When we updated our project material to say that b/c of our lifelong struggles with anorexia and bulimia we are raising this money, when we shared our stories and said WHY this mattered, the pledges rolled in and we exceeded our fundraising goal.  Nobody has anything to be ashamed of in talking about the stories that shaped who they are.  Let’s stand in front of stigma and create safe spaces to tell our stories.  WHY?  Because we can find truth and understanding in storytelling and unlike technology that changes every five minutes, it’s a timeless skill.

In honour of those recovered from eating disorders and those who are still struggling every day. This is my story….a story of choosing life, health and happiness and never giving up. I was always a very shy kid and found it very hard to make friends and socialize with others. This was even more magnified when I entered high-school. I learned very early on in grade nine that there were many cliques and if you didn’t belong to one of these cliques, it would be very hard for you to make friends and feel like you belonged. It was very hard for me to meet people because I was so shy. It caused me so much social anxiety even talking to people that I chose to withdraw and hideaway in my own thoughts. I would even hide in the library at lunch time in order to avoid having to be social.

 I started to become obsessed with “making it” to the “in crowd”.  Since I was so shy, I thought that if only I looked pretty enough or skinny enough, they would accept me into their group. I began spending hours and hours on my appearance and began to restrict my eating. I can remember setting my alarm at 5:30am just to get up and get ready for school in time making sure that my make-up and hair was perfect. I also began to exercise and write down exactly what I was eating every day. I became obsessed with this and began to lose a lot of weight. The popular kids still were oblivious that I even existed. I got frustrated by this thinking that it was because I still wasn’t skinny enough. I began skipping breakfast and lunches and barely eating anything for dinner (hoping my family wouldn’t notice that I was barely eating) I still continued to exercise and would get very upset if everyday life got in the way of my exercise regime.

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So many, so many people out there living in fear and shame because of their own mental illness. They will never speak up because society told them to SHUT UP. Society doesn’t care about our feelings. I was one of those people that lived in fear. 

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A dark irritating voice is all I think of when I think of my past life with an eating disorder. It wasn’t something I could turn off or mute out, it never seemed to want to back off quite frankly. I have battled Anorexia and Bulimia since I was of the age 14. I am now 18 years old almost 19 and am in the process of recovery. It hasn’t been easy or clean, its actually quite hard and sure messy. I have lived everyday almost since age 14 on and off with this disorder and seem to relapse at the worst times, but is it ever a good time for an eating disorder? I have seen some of the lowest days and days where I wasn’t sure how longer I could keep going. But here I am, righting to you all about my journey and as you can see it does get better. I was never sure if it was and no it doesn’t mean no bad days but theres finally good days. I am starting to see the goodness in things and the life in things I never thought I could imagine again. If theres one thing I have learned from all the treatment and recovery and battle is that there is a light and you are not alone. Even on your lowest days remember there is someone there that cares and knows how you feel and wants you to see goondess and color in life again. I have lived a black and white life for so long but now I am filling it with light again and I could not be more grateful. Do not blame or be ashamed of yourself for this disorder, you are fighting a battle and you are a warrior and your story isnt over yet at all. Never give up, I didn’t I was close but didn’t and I am moving each day closer to the recovery we all deserve to see. 

Hi,
Im an 18 yo girl
I have an eating disorders past(bulimia&anorexia) and suffering from depression, until last summer I went to the doctor and a therapist on a daily basis but I don’t think it helped in any way
I think there’s something else that is wrong with me except of the ed and depression
Since I was about 5/6 I had a dream that kept coming back about a girl that has a thin empty metal bar instead of her stomach that starts below the breast and ends at the pelvis and she always wear slightly baggy shirts to cover it and when she wears them nobody can tell that she’s different until someone accidentally touching her and finds out
This dream keep coming back for years way before I even thought of throwing up or stop eating for the first time. I know it probably looks like another eating disorder but it’s just because that’s the only thing I could think of at the moment I’m sorry if for my bad English It’s not my first language and also sorry if it was a waist of time I just needed to let it out somehow
I probably should have stopped at this point but I feel like I’m crazy like no one understand me even people who suffer from the same things as me, no one understand me and it’s awful I don’t know what to do and can’t talk with anyone and honestly reading what I wrote makes me cry because I don’t think anyone who will read this will understand this too and I feel terrible for the people who will read all of this because I make no sense and just sound like an annoying crybaby I’m so sorry for wasting your time I’ll stop now

I had a very rough childhood emotionally. I wasn’t ever happy, something was always wrong. I knew I was different but didn’t know why. I developed an eating disorder when I was about 14 year old. It started off with anorexia and months into it my bulimia started. It was out of hand, my weight was a constant problem, I wasn’t ever happy with the way I looked. I had my first suicide attempt at 14 too. The horrible part was no one knew what really happened. My mom was convinced I had the flu or something. Things only got worst, I was throwing up until I saw blood coming out of my mouth. I was constantly jumping from one diet to another. Things escalated when  I was in college. It started off normal, I made friends and was going to class, of course partying but things got out of hand when I got in a fight with my father. I didn’t want to go back to school that spring, but I did. I started to drink and smoke pot excessively, then I started to consume coke. I was on a cloud, everything seemed like it was going great until I stopped sleeping.

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Hello,

My name is Kristine, and I was hospitalized for Anorexia at age 16, but my symptoms really started to emerge when I was 13 after I had been in a traumatic car accident while driving with my dad. That horrific moment changed me forever. I began to isolate myself, falling into the trap of an eating disorder in order to cope with the intense feelings that I kept bottled up inside.

Right now I am 20 years old, and over the last 7 years I have been constantly battling my eating disorder. I have been in and out of treatment, but this time is different; now that I am an adult, I have made my own choice to check myself into outpatient recovery on my own, which I have always been forced to do in the past, but now it is my choice. I have finally decided that I have had enough of my eating disorder; now, I am truly passionate about recovery and I am more than ready to take back my life.

Lately, I have been doing very well; my treatment team loves my enthusiasm and all of the effort that I am putting into recovery. As I have gained back my health, I have been able to see things so much clearer; I now realize that there is so much more to life than this eating disorder. I am starting to find myself beyond my eating disorder, and that is definitely worth all of the hard work that I have had to do to get to this point in my recovery. 

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Navigating a world that often feels cold, insensitive, and unaccepting of mental illness is lifelong work, a healing journey with ups and downs that has no end. As a highly sensitive person who has lived with anxiety/depression/OCD/ADHD since childhood, struggled with self-harm, substance abuse, and eating disorders, and is a rape and domestic abuse survivor, I have sought out many forms of therapy over my lifetime, both traditional and alternative.

One concept that I became familiar with in Dialectal Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is having a toolbox. Every individual’s toolbox looks different and will evolve over time. It is essentially a list of our skills and techniques for emotional regulation, distress tolerance, mindfulness, and interpersonal effectiveness. I would like to share some of my go-to tools for self-soothing and traversing times of heightened anxiety/the unknown: 

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