It is really important to have a team around you who support you and know what your condition is.  Sure, we all have days, for some of us those days can be more turbulent than for others.  When I was in college almost 20 years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar. In my heart I believe that sometimes diagnoses are like a target and they try to come close but really for everyone it is different. Though, I do take my medication religiously. Every day I am a warrior for my health and my mental well-being.  I told my friends who were closest to me and who have known me the longest about my condition. I didn’t realize how important that was for me until I did it. I cannot advise other people on what to do about that. But, their words of kindness meant a lot to me. My friends cannot be with me always, I try to express myself through art and music. I get scared sometimes. I feel isolated many times.  But, like I said. You have to be a warrior for your well-being, every day, each and every day.

I have Bipolar 1 Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder so self-care is already difficult anyway. But I am learning a lot about myself during this lock-down.

I am learning that I am stronger and braver than I thought; I was able to resist a suicidal thought which is a huge accomplishment as a four (4) time suicide attempt survivor.

So far my self-care strategies have been:

1. Listening to uplifting podcasts
2. Reading encouraging books
3. Keeping my counseling appointments (even though there via webcam)
4. Challenging my thoughts
5. Praying
6. Celebrating small victories 
7. Writing
8. Helping others
9. Avoid watching the news
10. Taking my medications

I realize that I am not alone in this. That things will get better; and to remain strong throughout this whole ordeal.  

I have spent the last two years trying to self help. I have limited resources right now, no insurance, and with a failing marriage, locked into an income that says I can afford help or insurance, but in truth I cannot. I know, self help in this area is not going to really finally solve this issue, whatever “it” is. I can only say I KNOW it is in simplest terms, lack of trust. I have two best friends (both more than 20 years) and yet there are aspects of my life I have never told them. I most certainly have never told anyone else. After a long and damaging marriage, I realized there was a terrible issue that wasn’t going to just go away. I needed out long ago, the marriage has only furthered the problem.

I WANT badly to  trust others, I want to know why I feel so disconnected from almost everyone, including my own mother, and deceased father. I used to fantasize I was adopted as to explain why I felt so detached and “different” from my family. This fantasy persisted for far too long, beyond childhood. A part of me knew this was not so, but another part of me held onto it, I just don’t understand why? I have raised three children, I feel I have done very well so much that when I essentially had a mild breakdown, they seemed perplexed that the sane woman they knew was acting in a way they felt was so wrong. I “acted out”, shocking them, and their response along with my husbands, I knew, cemented my knowledge that trust and unconditional love was something others experienced I have yet to.

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I am very fortunaute to say, I am living stigma free. Having a mental health illness is managable and you can overcome having a mental illness. The most important thing about living stigma free is self care. If you are doing all the right things to care for yourself than you are doing the right things for you, creating a healthy way of living for yourself. Remembering the most important one is your well being. That’s how I can say I am living stigma free.

I have lived with depression my whole adult life. I believe I inherited it from my father, who now, in retrospect, I believe lived with bipolar depression and was an alcoholic.  Being dealt this hand in life has given me many challenges.  I didn’t know what was wrong with me, I just knew something was wrong, when as a young adult, I felt life closing in on me instead of seeing what opportunities would lie ahead.  I was smart enough, though, to understand something was deeply wrong and so I sought the help of a psychiatrist and counselor when I was 25 years old.  With the help of medications and counseling, I have been able to have a successful life despite my illness.  But that isn’t to say that I haven’t had relapses and that I haven’t had to struggle with my illness.  But, what I would like to say, is that  there is hope.  And part of that hope for me has been my Christian faith, which has led me through my darkest hours.  I find my faith in Jesus Christ and my church family has helped me to see that we are not alone in our suffering, and that there is a loving and merciful God who understands our suffering. I am now 63 years old and for now, I have found my peace.  I have been married for 9 years, have family and friends who support me. To me, miracles do not have to be spontaneous, but they can happen as small steps we make each day to take care of ourselves and then one day, you realize that you have your stability and strength, and your faith has led you through to that  moment. That moment, that we all long for, peace of mind.

    At the start of my life i was hit with so many awful things that my brain had yet to process. Being told just as i grew up that “mental disorders are just an excuse unless people are really crazy.” I grew up thinking no one understood me and that I was just messed up in the head. 

   It was until recently when i found out about BPD, panic disorder and everything else that other people struggle with too. I pointed the finger at teenage emotions and hormones most of the time.  I couldn't pin down why I was the way I was, I ruined many friendships and relationships throughout the years because of my over reacting and inability to process the correct way to deal with emotions.

I have been able to move on with my life and successfully have many jobs, activities activities activities activities activities own home for many years now. I moved out at a young age and knew i needed the independence. Trying to cope with constant thoughts of suicide, fear of the future, unstable goals and wants. I keep myself in a cycle of just barley making it which is usually pushed from my anxious emotions of being a failure, Then comes in a cycle of depression and hopelessness. In those moments i feel the weight of the world crush down into me, while i lay many nights laying still and feeling like a pit of disappear. My anxiety is also with me telling me how when i lay around i will never get anything done and still result in being a failure. During these swings i find it hard to communicate my emotions and thoughts to people, I start to lash out in emotional rampages to the people in my life. This is when i begin to push people away and when friends walks away. I begin to keep isolating myself and lose interest in the activities that i was find joy in. This makes me feel awful like everything is my fault and that i am in fact a horrible person. I blame everything that goes wrong around me on myself. I raise expectations of people that are unrealistic. I do everything i can for people i run myself into the ground helping others when i cant even help myself. Then i tend to get angry when im not met with the same dedication. 

As i push people away the other side of me is freaking out about how i want attention. I want to be loved and nearly praised physically and mentally. This has lead me to bad decisions in men,sex and drugs. That again gives me falsehood that slowly fades as i come out and see where my life has ended up. I Nearly feel like i had been living in a movie that was like watching my own life but not living it. Triggers will hit me like none other and unfortunately I am unsure what emotional reaction will happen after. Sometimes a surge of anger or jealously comes in. Others a more blank and depressed response. Other times it just turn into crying and a complete mental break down and a train of thoughts that is filled with everything thats ever been wrong in my life. 

These swings can happen at work, when i have high stress. At home or when something goes sour in a relationship. I have know how long it will last or whats even more scary is thinking i will be in a emotional sucken hole my entire life. I want to self care and try to do hat i can for my mind and body to hopefully live the happiest life I can and find people that understand my impulsions. 

So everyday i awake with a new struggle and rush of emotions and try to face each day the best way i can 

I have experienced mood instability, depression and anxiety for almost 15 years, but I have not always “suffered” from it. The times when I felt the most acute pain, distress and disruption of daily activity from my mental disorder were the times when I tried to hide it, ignore it, or withdraw from life completely, thinking the problem would somehow address itself or disappear if I didn’t “give in” to it. I realize now that this type of strategy only serves to feed the illness, giving rise to a destructive cycle of impaired functioning, involving self-pity, self-blame and self-loathing, which leads to further impairment.

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