We hear so many times about the stigma on mental health and how we need to end that stigma. But I want to express the stigma on suicide and self-harm specifically. It’s often the quiet ones that don’t talk about their mental health that commit suicide and participate in self harm. We all need a little more understanding on why suicide and self-harm crosses a person’s mind. A lot of the times they don’t want anyone to know about their scars or their plans to attempt suicide. Sometimes the words of others give more reason to attempt suicide and participate in self harm.

            Self-harm does not always mean that a person wants to die. When a person goes long periods of time without any type of release from their mental and emotional pain, they look for something physical to feel. Especially those with major depression, they go for a while without telling anyone about what is going on internally. That causes them to bottle up all the feelings and emotions on the inside. 

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Daddy,

My heart aches to much to forgive,
My eyes to swollen to forget,
It’s been years,
Seems like yesterday,
The pain so fresh,
The tears so near,
I can forgive but I will never forget.

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We are more than our diagnosis. Our potential is only limited by allowing stigma and doubt to gain hold on us. Diagnosed at 16 I lived in denial for many years. I feared the stigma I saw towards my mother who suffers from schizoaffective bipolar experience. After 12 years and 4 suicide attempts I have learned that “I have bipolar disorder” not “I am bipolar.” I have learned that my episodes and symptoms are not character flaws or shortcomings. They simply are part of the course of a disease.  I would like all of you who experience the pain and devastation of depression that there is no guilt or shame or weakness only that your disease is flaring and you need treatment and the counsel of true friends.

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As a surviving parent of a suicide victim it is more than obvious that further steps need to be taken to start turning this epidemic of shame surrounding mental health issues leading to suicide. I honestly never realized how much stigma, shame, and limitations there can be in regards to seeking help and the actual help that is offered. In a day an age where on the surface it may be become easy to avoid the bigger and more real issues that lead to a deeper and wider gap in what might be considered “acceptable”. The truth is that it is all acceptable. We can not change who and what people or not can we change chemical composition to change those facts biologically. What we can do is offer; open ears for really hearing, open eyes to see beyond the surface, open minds for understanding, open hearts for compassion and a short and simple three digit number to call for crisis intervention and resources. I can’t even imagine how many lives this would change in the future. It makes sense and is needed. I don’t know if this applies nation wide but in Oregon if we can call 911 for police, fire, and medical, a three digit number for road reports, another provides a resource directory, another to look up someone’s contact info and so on. Why not an easy access number for mental health crisis??? It’s just a shame non of us thought of this or proposed this as an idea much, much sooner. 

18 years ago I attempted suicide.  I know just mentioning the word makes people uncomfortable I get it, but I’m hopeful that by not being afraid to post about it the stigma can be reduced and I can offer anyone who may be in a dark place a ray of hope.

It was my first year of marriage and my first year of teaching and the expectations I placed on myself to excel at both were unrealistic, so in my mind I was failing. I had committed to teaching for four years to pay off a scholarship and felt like I was trapped. I sank further into depression and hopelessness. I knew things weren’t right and wanted to go to counseling, but just continued keep waking up each day in despair. Finally, in an attempt to change my situation I took a bottle of pills. I immediately regretted my choice, I’m not certain I ever really wanted to die, I just wanted the pain to stop. I woke my husband up and he rushed me to the hospital to have my stomach pumped.

Unfortunately the counsel I so desperately wanted ended up being more destructive as I was advised the bible, not anti depressants, was what I needed to overcome depression. I was told my issue was a sin and faith issue, not a chemical imbalance. So I didn’t get better, I started losing sleep and eventually became manic. 

By the grace of God and with the help of shock treatment I finally came back to myself and have never struggled with depression or mania again. I feel like a walking miracle and I try to live each day like someone who has been given a second chance at life because I have been.

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Even though it has been just over two years since Steve took his own life, there are those who still do not agree with my talking freely about his suicide.  Yes, the embarrassment and stigma associated with suicide is still alive and well.

I have done a lot of soul searching and sometimes question whether publicizing the cause of Steve’s death is the right thing to do.  In the end, I believe Steve would have wanted it this way.  He was a firm believer in helping others as was evidenced by his career choices as a lifeguard, a coach and applying to FDNY to become a firefighter.  Now, Steve will continue to help others even though he is no longer with us.  Bringing the cause of his death out  in the open has already helped many.

Whether it  was from reading his memoir or my online postings, other suicide survivors have thanked me for my openness and said it has given them some small measure of comfort knowing they are not alone in feeling what they are feeling.  Other survivors have shared with me they now feel empowered to talk about how their loved one died, even though it may have been years since their loved one took his or her own life.  Keeping it a secret or denying it for so long had weighed so heavily on their shoulders. Then there are those  who have shared with me that they have contemplated suicide, but after reading about the pain and collateral damage left after a loved one takes their own life have told  me it has given them pause as they have said they would never want their friends and family to have to suffer the pain of their loss.  They told me that they had previously thought their loved ones would be better off without them, a sentiment expressed by Steve in some of his final writings.  However, my writings have convinced them otherwise.

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Suicide. It is the final action. 

The last moment, but it is not the cause of death. 

Stigma, silence, misdiagnosis, impulse, depression, the certainty that tomorrow is not meant to be, and the shame that tells you to say nothing, to hide instead of reaching out, that is what kills, and that is what we must work to prevent.

As we take time this week to acknowledge all we are thankful for, it is important to remember that depression doesn’t mean you’re not grateful for what you have or even that you are not happy. Depression  means that you are not healthy. And just like those you care so dearly about, you too are worth being healthy.

I am someone who has lost people to suicide and almost lost my self too. I have always been told to suck it up until I spoke out about my abuse. I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and PTSD. Ending the stigma is beyond important to me because if it wasn’t so hard for people to talk about, maybe my teammate, classmate, and grandmother would still be here. I know they were hurting, but I only knew when it was too late. Ending the stigma would save lives, the way speaking up saved me. I have been clean from self harm for almost a year now and have gotten the help I need. There is always hope, even when you feel as if it is the end. Your story isn’t over. I am living proof that it gets better. 

I have dealt with mental health most of my life. It started with lots of anger problems when I was young and was finally diagnosed with Major Depression and bipolar tendencies. I’ve been taking medication since 2012 and it’s helped me sooo much. I am a suicide survivor since 2017. I now advocate for mental health in order to end the stigma.

I’ve been living with mental illness since early teens,I’m in 50s now..I’ve been in and out of hospitals,counseling all those yrs.to many to count..some doing more damage than help…Diagnosed w recurrent major depression,BPD,anxiety,ptsd.etc……..I don’t see the good in life or people..I suffer and I know the stigma and that doesn’t help ,nor does the insurance problem . My latest suicide attempt was this year, ive been put on court ordered counseling and meds.my secondary insurance stopped and that’s the one that pd for counseling,once again Im in yet another counselors office…I don’t trust anybody so this is not easy but this guy I already feel may be different,cause I’ve been used,given up on,harmed by many many counselors…For the first time in 35+yrs of countless treatments,counselors I’m hearing,We care,were here for you,were not in it for the money,it’s cause we care,we don’t want you hurting/killing yourself,we want you to take it moment by moment and live a better life and fight..we want to be here for you..That is something I’ve needed to here but havent.EVER..Maybe there might be a tiny bit of hope,maybe I can try getting back up and fighting w this therapist help…I don’t know cause it’s only been a few wks…But also w insurance issue I can’t get some meds that are mandated,and I can not afford…It’s so wrong cause I know there’s alot like me,where we need treatment and meds to keep not only stable but to maybe have hope