The first time I tried to kill myself was in fourth grade. It was a Sunday night in early December, just two months shy from my tenth birthday. I was laying in bed, surrounded by the bright pink walls of my innocent bedroom, struggling to calm myself down from a panic attack. I remember thinking about how much easier it would be to just end it all and not have to deal with anything anymore. Not having to go to school and wake up early in the morning, having to suffer from panic attacks day in and day out, and most importantly, I wouldn’t have to face the harassment of my peers that made me feel like I was worthless. I tried to suffocate myself by putting a pillow over my face and, yes, I know today that this would never work, but back then I was naive and thought I would die from it. I slammed the pillow down hard on my face and felt the air leave my lungs, a sudden hollowness filled my chest as my lungs screamed for air, my heart begging for me to stop. The pain was what stopped me, and made me realize what I was doing. 

I threw the pillow to my bedroom floor and burst into tears. That night I told my parents what had happened. I remember my mother’s eyes filled with anger. I did not understand why she would be mad at me, did she not want me to tell her what I had done? Only now do I realize that the anger in her eyes was not directed toward me, but toward the world, for the unfairness of it all. She had lost a child to a miscarriage just one year before my birth, and now the world was trying to take away her nine year old daughter as well? It didn’t seem true. She sent me to my room and I later heard her yelling at my father, my name being brought up again and again. At that moment, it seemed as if I was more of a burden than a blessing to my family.

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                  I Dream In Beauty
I dream in beauty as I walk through these paths
Red Orange Yellow Green Blue Purple
Its adventurous and sometimes mindboggling
White Pink Brown Black
as I start walking I saw this beautiful and radiant sunlight shining at me
as I was figuring how many feelings do I see when I see that beautiful scene
I feel the warmth and love as the sun brings its radiance rays toward me
as I continue down this wandering path
I hear the birds chirping from a nearby tree and again it caught me in awe
as I was figuring what beautiful notes these birds were singing
I took time and sat down to hear them sing their small hearts out and
soon I learned from the birds I should sing my heart out to bring joy in others
as I got up and started my walk I began to start feeling confused and scared
its as if there were two paths in front of me both eager for me to put my foot down
the anxiety had swept through my body and then panic had hit my mind
as though I was just standing there I felt like I was spinning into misery
time was ticking away and suddenly I felt like something struck me on fire and
my direction had become transparent as I started my walk again
however this time was different each step took courage and determination
for every step were followed by persistance and hard work
for every step was teaching me lessons on what to make of life
a life that I choose to dream in beauty with the beautiful colors surrounding me
                            -Christine Elizabeth April 14, 2014

                       Sparkle
Beautiful light different colors representing feelings
Feelings of pink brings healing
Feelings of blue brings inner peace
Feelings of green brings calmness
Feelings of purple brings inner quietness
Feelings of gold brings confidence
Feelings of silver brings celebration
Feelings of copper brings inner strength
As you celebrate Forth of July this year
Take a closer look on how all these colors interwine together
Like a puzzle only put you in there and its like a different person up there
Almost like a mirror of how an individual who knows what he/she becomes
As you look at the finale part of the show
Imagine it is you celebrating for what and who you’ve become
Can you see yourself jumping for joy
Can you see yourself actually dancing
Can you see yourself smiling like no end
Take time and let yourself go
It is all these feelings within us that keep us moving in life
Let’s go!