NAMI - You are Not Alone — The Story of My 2nd Manic Episode

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The Story of My 2nd Manic Episode

Richmond, VA 

​August 2010
 
     I knocked on the door and a man resembling Morgan Freeman opened the door and I told him, “I need to talk to God.“ I had been waiting for 10 minutes before he finally opened the door. “Down the hall and to the left.” This church had an eye-catching banner above the door spelling out the words in lightning bolt letters, “You don’t have to walk alone.” It felt like God himself was speaking directly to me. The empty church had a drum-set and piano on the stage. I asked if I could play and he said I could. I played both instruments for a few minutes each and for the first time in my life I didn’t feel scared. I stood up on the stage alone and a great huge bible was illuminated under the light. I began reading it and once again, God was speaking directly to me. He wanted me to find this. This great mystery was starting to make sense. God had chosen me. There was something special about me. Why me? There was no other explanation: I was having an experience so grand that it could only be of a biblical nature. I was the second coming of Jesus Christ.

            I went into the bathroom and stripped down. I stared at myself in the mirror as the sink filled up. I dipped my head in and baptized myself. I didn’t care that I was doing this in a bathroom because it had to be done. It was the right thing to do. I went into the stall and stood in the toilet. I flushed. The flush represented a cleansing. I needed to be pure for this. I was abiding by tradition. I stood there naked and left down the hallway toward the door I came in. This was the ultimate test. There is nothing more shameful or embarrassing and for my entire life I was scared of embarrassment. This was the ultimate test to overcome that fear. God was testing me but I wasn’t afraid. I knew that the people outside were just figments of my imagination. People are just something that I project into the world as representations of something in my subconscious. Suddenly I heard a voice go, “Hey hold on a second come here.”

     The man who looked like Morgan Freeman was in the hallway and he calmly motioned for me to come to him. He told me that I couldn’t do that and that I needed to put my clothes back on and then we would talk. I did what he asked. He took me into his office where he sat me down and just started asking questions about myself. I told him that I was a 19-year old freshman here in Richmond at Virginia Commonwealth University and that school had started two weeks ago. I added that I had recently been to rehab and that I had also been diagnosed bipolar. It hit me that Morgan Freeman played God in the movie Bruce Almighty so I started to think that this man was a messenger from God. This is why I told him revealing things about myself. He told me that other musicians were coming to meet soon and they were my age and he wanted to know if I wanted to hang around and I said sure. I waited on the couch as people started to come in. There was food in the kitchen and I went to get a drink. I go up to the Morgan Freeman guy and I blatantly ask, “Are you God?” He pulled me aside and we stepped out for a cigarette. I couldn’t believe this guy smoked too. He told me he had a difficult life as well and had some hard times growing up. He also asked me my name, if I had family, and what my parent’s phone number was.

     It hit me like a brick what was happening and I started crying. I realized that I was going crazy again. This has happened to me before. I was having a manic episode and a psychotic break. I needed to find help as soon as possible. I told the Morgan Freeman looking guy that I would call my parents but as soon as I left the church I went back into the delusion. My temporary moment of sanity disappeared.

      I started walking back to my dorm, which was only about 100 yards down the street when all of a sudden my new college buddies swarmed me. They told me that my roommate had reported me missing and that they and the police had been searching for me for hours. That’s when a black car pulled up and a couple cop cars. The men told me that I needed to go to the police station with them and one guy handed me a card that was for VCU counseling services. I went with them to the police station. I knew this was all just part of the plan. They didn’t realize that I was actually in control and that they aren’t even real. God had bigger plans for me. He knew that I could save the world so I let him take control of the situation.

      I didn’t respect their authority at all at the police station. I asked them if they could buy me liquor multiple times. I wanted to test my new mind control abilities. It wasn’t working so I tried to be patient. I figured that my powers were slowly developing and that it would take time before I could fully mind control people. I called my friend Tommy and I was like, “Dude I am at a cop station! Here talk to them.” I put him on the phone with an officer as I looked over his shoulder to see what he was writing about me on the computer.

       I am not sure why but they decided to let me go. I guess I hadn’t committed any crime but the strange thing was that they let me out in the back alley and not the front entrance. The cop held the door open for me and I tried one last time, “can you buy me and my friends liquor?” He got mad and told me to stop asking him that. He handed me my belongings and I was on my way.

      I don’t know what happened to my shoes but I walked barefoot to the 7-11 down the street. I remember walking on green glass from broken beer bottles. I made my way to the street where all the buses were and I asked some homeless guy which bus went to Fredericksburg. He told me so I hopped on that bus. I called Tommy again and I was like, “Dude I am coming to you I will see you soon.” These were just local buses and they weren’t going anywhere outside of Richmond. I just sat on the bus and I started getting very sleepy. I hadn’t slept in 3 days and over the course of the week prior I had slept maybe a total of 12 hours. I was the last one on the bus and the bus driver asked me where I lived. He went out of his way to drive me back to the dorms. Once I was there I saw my college buddies again and they seemed very stern. For a brief second I realized that I was going crazy again. My parents called me and told me they were on their way to pick me up. My college buddies took me up to my room and started tearing down my posters while I was crying. I had told them I could see the poster images in 3-D and that I was hallucinating. I packed up two suitcases and brought them back down to the front entrance. At least 60 students were on the patio hanging out while I cried my eyes out rolling my suitcases. I got into my parents car and told them I needed to go to the psych ward this time.

       The whole car ride back I thought I was going to die in a car wreck. Every car that passed I thought was going to hit us. I wanted to sleep but I couldn’t. It was a three-hour drive and all I remember was telling my parents that I didn’t want to go to Florida again and that this time I needed to go to the psych ward. Last time this happened I didn’t go to the psych ward and I got stuck in psychosis like this for a full 30 days. By the time we got back to home I convinced my parents that I needed to sleep and that I would go to the psych ward in the morning. It was probably at least 3AM at this time so they agreed.
    

  As I lay in bed I saw the imprint of a body lying next to me. It was like a ghost was there. I went to the bathroom where I got naked again and started contorting my body as if I was a wild animal. I had one of those movie-like intense moments were I stared at myself in the mirror sweating. I have never looked that crazy in my life and the image still haunts me. After that I blacked out.

        I woke up the next morning and my parents took me to another hospital. I remember seeing the nurses have eyes the size of cartoon characters. It actually looked like a cartoon and I knew I was hallucinating. They put me in a wheel chair and rolled me somewhere to get a brain scan. Then they took me to the emergency room and I lay there on my back. This doctor comes in looking like Jesus Christ with an arm cast. He told us that he was a psychologist and that he wanted to talk to me alone. I don’t remember what we talked about but I was getting excited knowing that this guy was Jesus Christ in the flesh and that I was the only person on earth that has ever seen him.

       Next thing I know they start drugging me up. I was convinced it was poison so I started hyperventilating. My arms were going numb and my heart was beating fast. I screamed, “I’m having a fucking heart attack!” A doctor runs in and tells me to breathe deeply in and out of my nose. Within a few seconds I felt better. The man who looked like Jesus walked back in but this time he didn’t have a broken arm. His cast was gone. He was signaling to me that yes indeed he was Jesus and that he has healing powers.

      The next thing I know I am going up to the fourth floor. They put me on a table and stick a needle in my arm. I looked at the nurse and said, “If this puts me to sleep I will fucking kill you.” They injected me with medication and I passed out. When I woke up I started freaking out. Security was called and they followed me down the hallway where I threatened to leave. I hesitated at the elevator. Something told me I needed to stay. I found a payphone and dialed my friend Tommy’s number. I don’t remember what I said.

      They stripped me down and took away all of my belongings and gave me a cup full of pills and told me to swallow them. I had to wear a hospital gown at first until my parents could bring me clothes. There is nothing worse than being trapped somewhere not knowing when you can leave and not being able to get any answers. Nobody would tell me how long I was staying there so I figured I would have to act like I was okay and do certain things to make it look like I was getting better.

            The first night I tried to sleep but I couldn’t. I was still highly manic at this point and had barely slept all week. I just wanted to escape and to black out so I tried to make myself pass out by holding my breath as long as I could and then smothering myself with a pillowcase. I wasn’t trying to kill myself I just wanted to become unconscious. They gave me sleeping pills, mood stabilizers, and antipsychotics and it eventually knocked me out.

            There is something terrible about not being able to go outside for several days. I figured that they were watching my every move and evaluating my recovery. I remember exercising on the stationary bike to show them that I was motivated. I tried to sound sane in group therapy sessions. I remember looking around the room and seeing the other people there who I felt were much crazier than I was. There was a young pretty girl who came in the next day and I remember thinking to myself that I would be stupid to try and get involved with her so I didn’t.

            There was a cafeteria room with a piano. As much as I could I would play that old piano and people enjoyed listening. It was the only thing there that reminded me of normalcy. In the kitchen there was Jello in the fridge and I binged on it as much as possible when I could. I would also pour sugar packets into the milk cartons and shake them up to create a makeshift milkshake.

            One day my parents came and they brought me my clothes. I also got to pick what food I wanted that day so I picked pizza and chips. I told my parents that as soon as I got out I wanted them to bring me a pack of cigarettes. The doctors had put me on a nicotine patch in combination with nicotine gum every two hours and it actually worked pretty well for those 6 days but I needed a cigarette the day I got out. I don’t know how I made it through those 6 days in the psych ward but to this day it makes me nauseous thinking about it. If you ever want to see an accurate depiction of a psych ward go see the movie, “Its Kind of a Funny Story” starring Zach Galafanakis. A part of me is glad that I was hospitalized because the first time I had a manic episode I wasn’t and was stuck in a delusional state for 30 days. I will post that story later.

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