I came to Canada with the hope of a better and safer place to live.  I needed a place away from the verbal harassment, verbal threats, the false claims of mental instability and hatred.  I wanted it to be a new start for me…a place with people who were less obnoxious, judgmental and more connected to the human condition.  It has been good in many aspects but hasn’t fully reached that plateau of the safe haven I had wanted.

My time here has made me realize a few things.  Human ignorance, hatred and bullying can follow you anywhere.  It has no boundaries and no closed doors.  It also made me come face to face with certain realities.  What I have learnt from my ordeal with social stigma and the stream of derogatory comments (“crazy”, “sick”, “sick but looks good”) directed at me is that peoples obsessive dislike towards me stemmed from peoples fear of what they didn’t want to happen to them.  They dreaded having someone walk amongst them who they thought was “sick” but who looked or acted normal.  I became the misnomer, the questionable entity and the fearful question of “is it possible to disguise a mental illness” or is she a psychopath in disguise?  My physical appearance did not mesh for them and caused them to feel cautious and guarded.  It worked against the fear they created in their minds and against the propaganda that was formed to distort my public image.  The image of what they believed a crazy person should look like.  The more normal I looked, the more disgusted by me they became and the more threatened they wanted to feel.  Because they wanted to believe what they were told…they wanted to believe that someone who posted something online that they perceived as “crazy” could not be normal.  They could NOT separate the action from the person. 

I am reminded of the time in NYC when two young Jamaican women who sat across from me on the train stared at me with hatred.  The darker skinned one said “I don’t care if she is good.  He should have beat her up then.”  Or during the summer in 2016 when I sat outside a restaurant on 42^nd Street and this white man and woman stood in front of me.  They stared at me together and the woman said “We are telling everyone she is crazy”.  Then the man asked her “Is she crazy?”…she nodded No and the man laughed while exclaiming “Oh NOOOO.”  So intentional defamation around mental illness…who does that benefit?   What a final form of revenge against someone whose action may have been considered a crazy or offensive act to a few… a final solution to that unwanted or troublesome entity.

I realized that I have been caught between two separate groups of people who have used me as a leverage of proof for their beliefs.  One group is judging my ability to perform intellectually as a gage towards my sanity and my ability to coexist in society.  So if I solve a technical or logical problem on my own, then they are quick to exclaim “she’s good”… but this also comes with a side joke.  It’s like a dog trainer trying to train a poodle to jump through a hoop. “Poodles are such intelligent animals”, the trainer exclaims. And once the poodle jumps through the hoop, the trainer says to those skeptics “see, I told you she was good”.  I question how much further  am I removed from the poodle with every mental action that I accomplish…how many people exclaim “she’s good” or how many skeptics exclaim “she’s good but she’s sick, we still can’t have her amongst us”?  How many times has a technical issue that I found suspicious really been a warped test for someone to see if I was capable of solving it? How many times was an IT prank, a network malfunction, a “server not found” message, a “certificate not valid”, links that opened to duplicate webpages or loops within a job application, private settings changed to public – another test of how “good” I really was?  Was it a test of my skill to endure uncertainty, a test of my patience or a test of my strength to withstand sheer adversity or a test to see what may trigger additional trauma?  This leads me to a scary question…who gave authority to perform these “competence” tests and why did so many people in the technology industry succumb to allowing the usage of these mental cues?

I think the answer is that many people in the technology industry are more prone to form covert groups that have a solidified way of thinking.  Also the technology industry is NOT ready for anyone who it perceives as mentally ill.  It is an industry of people who are not comfortable with mental or emotional differences.  It thrives on intellect, on having the creative geniuses who conform to the social code set by the industry.  The technical minds are there to crack codes but not go outside of social boundaries.  That is why so many young people in the technology sector think and talk the same way.  I have lost count of how many times I have heard “Wow, that sucks”, “Sick” or “She’s done” repeated amongst a group of techies with the same intonation.  It baffles me how cohesively they speak.  So the circular social groups that bound people to talk alike and to have the same perceptions also make it easy for large groups within an industry to act against others outside of itself.  Those in the technology industry are NOT open to what they perceive as “social outcasts”, “freaks”, “weirdos” or anyone who would not mesh in their worldview of intellectual or human perfection.  For many of them, their egos are too large and their self-absorption too deep.  It has been a stretch for some of them to perceive women as equally competent… why would they want to overextend their worldview to include people who are different due to some form of perceived or actual mental illness.  The answer for them is to be watchful and use technology to find ways to monitor the emotions, actions and mental capability of those considered mentally ill.  To them it is not beneficial to understand the cause of the symptom or empathize with it but to be able to control it from affecting the lives of the people who make the “important” decisions of society.

I know there has been partnerships between some technology companies and various mental health organizations to create Apps to check or track a person’s level of mental illness symptoms….but that does not negate the overall negative viewpoint or stigma from an industry that can be so instrumental to effect positive change.

With the group mentality of “them” against “us”, combined with the egos, prejudices and the secrecy inherent in the “old boys clubs”, no wonder it would be considered “acceptable” to push the ethical boundaries of whom to play technological tests on.  It is easier to push the boundaries of character defamation, privacy intrusions and societal repudiation…and as long as technology is used to exclude and harm someone who is already considered a “freak” or “sick” then who outside “the circle” would believe it was a cohesive, intentional effort to eliminate an unwanted entity.

I have to wonder if this subtle form of social targeting and exclusion is how the Nazi “Third Reicht” was capable of exterminating thousand of people.  You begin with the cohesive idea that someone or a certain group of people should not be inclusive within society.  It is easier to socially ostracize someone for later elimination when you degrade their public image.  Who wants to have someone work amongst them, live amongst them or socialize amongst them if they are considered crazy, unstable, sick or a possible threat?  So if technology can be used to influence or enhance someone’s mental or emotional instability or push negative social media campaigns about a person…then it is easier to exclude that person from social development after their image is destroyed.

My viewpoint towards mental illness has changed. Now I am more prone to tell people with some form of mental illness to BEWARE.  GUARD your mind, GUARD your reputation and GUARD who you let into your lives.  Ensure that they completely view you as a competent human being no matter what your previous mental condition, emotional struggle or current mental condition may be.  GUARD yourself against those who claim to want to help you by pushing medication without a prior medical diagnosis.  I’ve learnt that the social support for mental illness is a bunch of HYPE.  Yes, there are people who try to educate and struggle to bring understanding, support and empathy to mental illness…but they are limited by societal biases, ignorance, pressure and limited financial funding.  Before you open yourself to anyone’s judgments, know who truly has your back.

 I have learnt that the more generic you keep your thoughts and comments on social media – the better.  Be careful how you vent and who you vent to.  And have your support system…develop a support group of people who HONESTLY care about your growth and wellness.  Surround yourself with people who do not focus on obsessive behavior or drag you into their bias views.

It painfully became clear to me that your best supporters may not come from your family. My closest relatives did not have my back and were more inclined to spread lies and rumors as revenge for anger or payback if I said something they did not agree with.  They extorted what they perceived was my condition to others and found reasons to justify what they felt at the moment.  If I called twice – there was a problem.  If I left my job because of a negative environment, it was a reflection of a personality or emotional problem.   If I mentioned that I had been harassed, it was my imagination.  If they stood next to me while someone called me crazy…they would conveniently forget anything was mentioned.  I was slated to be in denial even though they were not present for the incidents I spoke to them about…No matter what viewpoint I posed…I was the one who needed help.  So even though they claimed they loved me…they did not want to believe me…. And you cannot truly help someone or trust someone whom you do not believe.

My hope is to live a life guided by my potential to develop, to grow and to become the woman I want to become.  I want to trust in God first and people last….and know that a bitter pill swallowed now does not have to affect me tomorrow. That a former period of depression, paranoia or confusion will not determine or define my future.  That having a mental illness or not should not limit my acceptance or ability to function in this world.  I want to be able to one day love again, trust again and know that there is someone out there who has my back.  Know that someone will see through all the bitterness, pain, let-downs and put-downs and will openly see me as an intelligent, beautiful and soulful woman…. 

They will know that even though My Words Camouflage My Pain…I Am Still Beautiful.