Hello, I have always thought that sharing my story with the mental health community is important to bring hope to others that are just like me.

I’m a 37 year old divorced mother of two boys. I have been in therapy of some kind or another since I was 7 years old. Mental illness runs in my family as well as substance abuse addiction. I believe I was born with my many disorders that progressed and worsened as I got older, abused illegal drugs, prescribed medication and had my children. In my early childhood I showed all the many signs of OCD. I also grew up in an extremely chaotic family where my mother suffered terribly with her own mental illness that was never acknowledged or treated and an emotionally absent father. My two older siblings coped with this by using and abusing drugs and my older sister was put into rehab when I was seven. My older brother simply moved away and is still an addict today covering up his own mental health issues. My younger sister was extremely emotionally disturbed and would act out violently towards my parents but especially towards me. She would later become a drug addict for many years and thankfully entered recovery 4 ½ years ago.

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The idea of having a Bipolar Disorder stung me for a long time. When I’m feeling down, sometimes I feel the pressures of the stigma revolving around my mental illness. I always felt like there was a “normal” Valerie or a status quo that I had to

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            My name is Jennifer and I am a recovered mental illness survivor—

            I have endured severe mental illness for over half my life.  During that time, I suffered from clinical depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, and borderline personality disorder.

            Due to the depression, my behaviors ranged from excessive crying to excessive sleeping to suicide attempts.  I felt feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, and helplessness.  All I thought I wanted to do was die.   But in fact, what I really wanted was help with overcoming my severe sadness.

            During my manic states, I endured impulsive, spontaneous, and irresponsible behaviors.  I felt on top of world.  I felt excessive amounts of energy.  I had racing thoughts.  I had delusions of grandeur.  I’ll be honest.  It felt great to be so high, but it is also very dangerous.  Risky behaviors can lead to much endangerment of self and others.

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I first began to experience symptoms of bipolar disorder in my early teens. i was put on Lithium while in a hospital and right away the almost catatonic depression I was in began to ease. From there on in, it seemed medication would be the answer to everything that was wrong with me. For years i was on every depression medication available, tricyclics, MAO inhibitors–when one stopped working, I was simply put on something else. Then things got better and I needed no medication through my twenties. i still struggled with lows, but there were no suicide attempts, I was able to live and love, to work and, for the most part, even enjoy life. Then, at the age of 29 I had a manic episode and my medication nightmare began.

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This year has been the year I’ve really worked on my recovery and my overall mental health. From a very young age I was depressed, fascinated with death and constantly anxious. I developed major body image issues as a child that turned into an eating disorder. I grew up with a biological father who was an addict, alcoholic, abusive and mentally ill with Bipolar Disorder.

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I have been struggling with mental illness from a young age. I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, adhd, ocd, borderline personality disorder, anxiety, psychogenic seizures, and a learning disability. I also am I recovering addict. I would like to spread my story to those in need to show them that the darkness does fade as long as you have the strength to flip the light. The goal is to inspire everyone but if that is not possible I aim to touch at least one person.

My mental health struggles began at only 15 years old I got bullied for years since the third grade it wasn’t bad then but it got bad in junior high name calling, rumors spread about me, made fun of for my braces on my teeth, made fun of for being of German descent and more. By eighth grade I hope things would get better and they did. I graduated eighth grade and had hopes high school would be better boy was I totally wrong about that! The first few weeks were great then then bullying started again this time it was a group of girls different ages who wanted to make each day a living nightmare and made me hate high school. They made fun of my outfits or that I wore leggings, laughed at me and talked about me behind my back, bullied me in the gym during the homecoming assembly, called me names. My breaking point came in 2010 in February after so many months of relentless teasing from those girls I became depressed and thought of suicide for the first time but the school social worker convinced me to stay alive. I continued to get bullied though and those thoughts were still there. I fought those thoughts as hard as I could but I was only 15 and the bullying had been going on too long. On March 19th, 2010 as I was leaving physical science class one of those girls who had been bullying me for months said something I never thought I would hear. That caused me to go somewhere I never thought I’d be. I survived that difficult journey but not without more struggles that followed. I continued to get bullied after March and then the rest of my high school years sophomore and junior year and Senior year and still struggled with more thoughts of suicide and then also self harm. I fell into a deeper depression at 16 and also struggled with body image issues and food issues and came close to developing an eating disorder at 17. I also came out at 16 as bisexual which increased bullying at school and then occurred online. I also got cyberbullied by classmates on Facebook various ways. I felt powerless and couldn’t escape the hate. I somehow made it through that too and also graduated high school. I then started college in fall of 2013 during that time I lost a professor and also my only living grandpa I had left. I fell into a deep depression again and had a relapse into self harm again I decided to do research because I was feeling really broken and lost and felt that perhaps I was dealing with something more than regular depression. I immediately recognized that I had lots of the signs and symptoms of bipolar disorder type 1. I started experiencing psychosis but it didn’t last long it went away and hasn’t came back since. I had episodes of mania/manic episodes and spent money on clothes I didn’t really need, bought Starbucks or some other pricey drink multiple days during the week and went through my money or points for food and drinks on my college card too fast and so much more. I had to do counseling and cognitive behavioral therapy it took a long time but with time I learned better coping skills and also was recommended to see the campus psychologist or psychiatrist whichever one diagnoses someone with a mental illness. In January of 2014, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder type 1 at only 19 years old. I was recommended to take lithium and an anti depressant. I decided against them because the side effects but now at 23 years old I am thinking maybe I should try to find a med cocktail both an anti depressant and mood stabilizer that works for me. It’s been a long journey but I am a fighter and warrior now and still have sometimes slip up and relapse but I am currently doing well in recovery but some days are harder than others. I have been doing many things to help me cope with the highs and lows of it but do think maybe some meds could help me on my bad days. I’m just afraid of the effects. I hope my story can help someone else struggling and inspire someone to reach out for help or maybe just find it as a story they can relate to.

My first encounter with mental illness was around age eight or nine when I found out that my dad had bipolar disorder (formerly known as manic depression). He and my mom had just gotten remarried, and he had a manic episode, which landed him in the hospital. I learned that bipolar disorder could be treated with medication, but that it is a chemical imbalance in the brain for which there is no cure. 

Bipolar disorder is a hereditary illness. I didn’t think that I had depression, but that I had just  been in depressing situations. When my parents divorced, my grades suffered. I lacked confidence. I was teased and tormented by kids in school. When I became an adult, I couldn’t hold a job, and I found myself in trouble with the law. I tried on several occasions to go to college, but I would get discouraged and quit.

In my 20s, I lived with a friend, her parents and her four siblings for about three years. She and her older brother were physically and verbally abusive towards me. I was able to get out of that situation, but I struggled with the effects of it for a long time. I became friends with a woman whom I’d met in church. We were the same age and shared similar interest, but then my “former” friend resurfaced and manipulated her way into the relationship that was blossoming between my new friend and I.

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