I started drinking at the age of 14. I had very low self-esteem and alcohol made me feel less self-conscious and more relaxed to just BE. I immediately became addicted and I also experimented with drugs. Alcohol was my drug of choice

 though and I was also very promiscuous. All of this was my lifestyle until I was 30 years old besides quitting during a pregnancy. At 30 I asked God to please help me stop drinking and He did. I have been sober since. However, at the age of 42 I had a psychotic breakdown. I thought I was being called by God to fast so I didn’t eat for days which led to sleep deprivation. I had always been severely depressed and had suicidal thoughts, but I thought that was normal. I also attempted suicide once as a teenager. But I always managed to keep a smile on my face. During the years that led up to my breakdown I had extreme mood swings. I would be very hyper and would eat a very strict healthy diet. Then, I would be motionless and eat everything. I had a friend tell me I had Bipolar Disorder but I blew her off because I was so spiritual/religious. I didn’t get the true connection of mental illness being a physical condition. In 2012 when I was institutionalized I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder. I had fasted so much I looked anorexic, but when I looked in the mirror i didn’t see that. Looking back, I think I had an eating disorder, too. I was put on medications. I finally slept and started eating. My moods leveled out and my suicidal thoughts started to cease. Which was really weird for me because I couldn’t remember when I had lived without them. I have been on my meds since then. I have had several episodes even taking my medication religiously. Most of them have been times when I wasn’t practicing self-care, too religiously involved, or in very stressful environments. My daughter became ill and while I was trying to take care of her I was barely taking care of me. I also experienced some pychosis and hallucinations. Each time I have experienced something I have found new ways to help myself. I started running and going to the gym. I also stay out of stressful environments and get rid of toxic people. I have continued to take my meds. I practice good hygiene and try to stay positive. I read a lot of people’s stories and I read a lot of positive quotes. I have a wonderful husband and family that has loved me. Other family members have judged me and hurt me. They have said and done things to me and when I have defended myself it’s always my mental illness. Those people I love and keep at a distance. I am very thankful.