I never got over the heartbreak of losing my childhood friend. I developed social anxiety and depression is the 6th grade. My cousins told my aunt our secret in fear of hurting myself. I used to self harm. I don’t know why, and I blame myself so much because of the way I was back then.
I had weekly therapy sessions and my family avoided me as much as possible.
In the 7th grade, I was bullied in school. Every day was mental torture, since the teachers also participated in it and I was visibly mentally ill. This was the age where I started hating myself. I even developed a tic. I was an embarrassment.
To this day, I question myself if I deserve it, but one thing I know for sure is that I took every comment to heart. I let these kids have a heavy influence on me. I was sent to a behavioral hospital the following summer, and from that point I promised to defend myself at any costs. So in 8th grade, I met nice people, and everyone learned to be comfortable around me again. On my freshman year, I became a bully. I became suicidal as I had repeated my past mistakes–my grades slipped, I developed a negative reputation, and I hated myself for everything that I had done. And yet, I couldn’t find it in me to just end my screwed life already.
My uncle, who visited frequently, sexually abused me. It took me a month to realize and open up to my parents, and when we told the family what had happened, they took his side despite his history of pedophilia actions. So, needless to say, they won’t come back and hurt me anymore. I was bullied again in my sophomore year, but I believe I deserve it. I had caused so much pain. My half-brother came to live with my parents and I. He was extremely strange in his actions; no hugs or even eating. Then he got comfortable. He told my mother that he did not love her like a son should, and never appreciated my dad’s efforts in helping him. We fought for months, and things got so bad that I stopped leaving my room, week after week. He left 6 months later to do work with his uncle and hasn’t called since.
I got kicked out of school and was sent to a “special” school. I now have improving grades but no friends. Life should be steady now, yet I deal with chronic depression and anxiety, and sometimes the symptoms are so amplified that I cease to function. Anyway, my mental health suffered a lot. And I know I probably don’t deserve to be happy, but I just want a normal life with friends and a caring family that supports me when I am feeling down. I feel utterly worthless… And there is not much to say anymore.