Do you ever feel your emotions physically? It might be a pit in your stomach or a tension in your back. It calls out to you, like a siren blaring, “something is wrong”. A month or so ago, I had this pit in my stomach that would not go away. It felt like a sustained, subtle panic attack that lasted several days, perhaps even a week. I couldn’t understand what it was telling me. To run? To stay? Which thoughts should I follow? Which were trying to be helpful and which were feeding this feeling in my stomach? I tried many of my usual coping skills to make it go away: running, meditation, sleep, talking it out. Nothing was working, which indicated that it was something deeper.

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My whole life I found myself never truly understanding why I had so many different identities, I have been so many different people in the past based on what i believe to be me at the time or whom i am around or what they want me to do be. The lies I tell, the inability to hold down a relationship due to being so defensive and dwelling on mistakes or criticism even when its something so small.

I buy things online, in shops like a millionaire to make myself feel better or spare of the moment idea which got out of control. I have binged eaten, I have smoked, drank excessively and in secret to self abuse. I never truly trust or dedicate myself to anyone, i am always one foot out the door so to speak.