So I currently am going through a lot of sh*t. But I know life is gonna get better even if my mind says otherwise. It’s so f**king hard to do a lot of sh*t but I know I’m going to persevere. I have taken 3 different meds for anxiety they made me feel worse. My road to recover is a daily habit which needs to include healthy foods like walnuts veggies fruits exercise and socializing and having a blast and learning.
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#therapy #schizophrenia #bipolar disorder #depression #anxiety #submission #obsessive compulsive disorder #eating disorders #panic attacks #Support #Faith #stigmaOne in five adults live with mental illness
You’ve spent your childhood watching your mother or father struggle with anxiety, depression or obsessive-compulsive disorder. You can’t remember if you put the cuts on your arms or if it was something they did. Everything may be going smoothly and suddenly, you find yourself furious, panicky or tearful and you don’t know why. They never noticed the cuts. Your life is often filled with anxiety, uncertainty, and vigilance. You don’t let your father see you cry when his anger breaks your jewelry box; the gift you cherished that he gave you only two months ago. You were plagued by loneliness, vulnerability, and helplessness. You felt unwanted, abandoned, and lost.
I was convinced no one would believe me, so I hid my chaotic home life from everyone. I was the family mediator, calming down a frightened father and comforting a sad, lonely mother. I convinced myself I was defective or different from other kids. When I was in school, instead of paying attention to my teachers, I’d spend all day worrying about how my mom was doing.
I lived in a permanent state of hyper-vigilance, constantly attuned to my father’s erratic moods and my mother’s helplessness. I chose to stay close to my emotionally unavailable, controlling partners and swallowed my needs to gain their approval. I wish I was beaten. I’d feel more legitimate. Who cares about me? Doesn’t anyone notice? I felt angry. I felt scared. The problem is no one can see my scars. I feel like if I told someone I was verbally abused, they’d think I was just complaining about being yelled at. If I’d been a better daughter my mother wouldn’t have been so sick. If I’d been a better son my mother wouldn’t have been so sick. All I knew was my grandparents were telling me that mum’s sick and dad was telling me that mum’s sick and I was confused, because she didn’t look sick to me.
I need positive feedback
Trauma and betrayal.
Staying out of the way, and staying safe.
Growing myself up.
I found myself in a paralyzing depression. I was suffering from complex posttraumatic stress disorder. There’s nobody in this world who loves me … I don’t have a mother’s love or a father’s love, or, family love… so it wouldn’t matter if I disappeared off the face of the earth.
My mother stopped sleeping when I went to college. Maybe it was my father’s heart attacks, maybe it was me. She’s been withering since. My familial environment was terrifying, and the chronic nature of this negativity exacerbated the effects of the neglect and abuse I endured. I found myself constantly trying to fix him. When I’m asleep and my roommate burns her grilled cheese at two in the morning my heart races as the smoke detector beeps. It takes everything in me to stop the panic building. The tears escape anyway. Growing up with dad, I never felt secure… and I know that I have always been anxious, my whole life. I feared to pass on the illness to a future generation. I’m scared to have kids. What if I treat them the same way my parents treated me? What if I don’t get well enough to care for them?
These were necessary behaviors when I was young, but they aren’t vital for my survival anymore. You can identify and stop participating in abusive relationship dynamics. Try to engage with people who make you feel safe and respected, who listen well and are emotionally available. I can be my own person. Thank your shame for protecting you and ask it to please step back. Your childhood was not your fault. It was ok to put some distance between me and my mother, even though I loved her. I named, validated and felt the sadness in my body as I gave myself compassion. I took a walk through the park and looked at nature. I felt better. It fostered empathy, compassion, and resilience. You had terrible role modeling from your mother. You had terrible role modeling from your father.
I will not inherit my mother’s pain. I will not inherit my father’s fear. She never showed you that we can learn to control our impulses. So I’m worth saving? I’m not irredeemably bad? I will always have ups and downs and have to manage fears and the damage that will always be there, but now I accept it and work with it. I can thank my parents for everything they have done for me. But I no longer owe them anything. I will grow strong. I will get better. I will be happy. And I will remember:
I cannot heal my parents.
This is a Found Essay, meaning that I pulled lines from different essays on NAMI and incorperated them with my own experience wot create a creative Non- Fiction piece.
I moved in with my abusive step mother in 2006 and lived with here till 2014 when my dad died of cancer (i was 11). I now live with my bipolar mom and little brother. I suffer from PTSD, OCD, depression, schizophrenia, anxiety, and panic attacks. I used to be suicidal, but I could not leave my brother all alone with my mother, so I’m coping.
Mental illness runs in my family four generations.I hear voices and see things that are not there which is caused by my schizophrenia. I have bipolar disorder because sometimes I am depressed and sometimes I am manic. I have PTSD because my biological father was not in my life and my mom could not take care of my mental illness due to her illness. I have borderline personality disorder because every time I get close to someone they leave or hurt me. I have obsessive compulsive disorder because I want everything to be perfect. I am a psychopath because I like to plan for the future. I do burn bridges because I am protecting my innocence and soul. Because of this stuff I am a terrible mom. Yet music, history and my family and animals help me. So hopefully that will help. A friend is someone that knows all about you, yet loves you just the same. My religion also helps me. I have zillions of blessings everyday.
I have struggled a majority of my life with mental illness. I have been diagnosed with the following: depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, severe generalized anxiety disorder, postpartum depression, and bipolar disorder. I stand my ground with my battles as they are constantly attacking me, but I am still here. If you or someone needs help, please do not be afraid! I have fought hard to find the right doctors and the right cocktail, do not ever give up! We are all In this battle together, nobody is alone. With love from a battler of this mental madness.
Hello everyone. My name is Rick. My apologies for using labels but with them some may be able to connect better. I am currently going through early stages of treatment for what may quite possibly be a life long un-diagnosed struggle with schizophrenia/paranoia schizophrenia, extreme bi-polar, multiple personality disorders, extreme depression, early child, teen and adult psychosis from an extremely early age(possibly onset from birth according to my memories). I’ve always been separated from others, I’ve had speech issues and learning issues(separated from class and studied upon(age 5), held back in school zero interests so and so forth. From there on it became worse. I never excelled in school, I was bullied by everyone all the time(was moved to another school, and still bullied there), Barely holding on to work, multiple relationship failures. I grew up without a father and raised by an intelligent beautiful mother who went through the same exact struggles as I am going through right now. After her passing(age 22) and no family around, I forced myself into a separated world of my own. Kept telling myself “misery loves company, and that’s why I like being alone.” It wasn’t that at all! My mind wanted that and well when you don’t quite realize why you do the things you do it just continues unchecked I’ll be back to finish this story but to be honest I’m a little tired and the focus is becoming difficult I hope everyone reading knows there is a way through this!!!! Believe
I’m 39yrs old and I have been dealing with many mental issues since I was 16yrs old, I was diagnosed with obesity, high blood pressure, birth defects, schizophrenia, bipolar, split personalities, manic depression, anxiety, and homo/suicidal thoughts & tendencies… I saw many “physiologist” and I even had a male psychologist tell me and my poor mother that I was crazy and there was absolutely nothing he could not would do to help me… I’ve seen soooo many psychologist’s in my 23yrs of dealing with this stuff that have tried multiple medications and therapy that I can’t understand what is truly expected of me. I have also been hospitalized twice for hallucinations (16yrs old)and suicidal thoughts (18yrs old). I still struggle to make it from day to day just doing what life gives me. Currently I take care of my boyfriend (40yr old) whom has M.S., plus help my guy bud whom had his eye cut with a box cutter (put eye drops in his eye), & help my neighbor get home from work. I am proof that we want a normal life and try to have one! Thank you for caring enough to give us a place to talk, listen, and learn from each other that NO ONE is alone in this fight to have a good healthy and decent life with those we love the most… Remember the one’s fighting this crap are trying just as hard to fix ourselves and prove we care that we put out close people through hell without trying to do it..!
On September 9rd 2003, my doctor diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder I . (Bipolar II is mostly depression with some manic episodes. Bipolar I is full blown mania with little depression.
My doctor described my diagnosis to me in this way: I’m a 78 RPM person trying to function in a 33 1/3 world. For you baby boomers, you’ll know what I mean. If you’re younger than a baby boomer and don’t understand the analogy, ask your parents to explain it to you.
When I’m manic, I’m like the energizer bunny. Always going. Creating something. Wanting something.
Right after I got diagnosed, I jumped into crafts and started making these little wooden window seats.
I didn’t create one or two, or a few. I created dozens. And dozens. And boxes full. I obsessed over getting every single wooden window seat in the Tampa area so I could make something out of it. Then I wanted a puppy. (Thank goodness my husband saw fit to tell me no at that time) Then I jumped into soap making. I made pounds and pounds of soap. (All of this is in less than a week.)
I have been struggling with mental illness for most of my 55 years on this planet. I have seen so many therapists over the years that there is no way I could begin, to remember their names. My diagnoses include PTSD, depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, ADD, and so on and so on. But that is not why I decided to post my story. In 2010 I married my soul-mate who also suffers from several mental health issues. Every day is a struggle, I am not going to lie. But in 2012 I decided to take a huge step forward and return to school. All the way growing up I was a mediocre student at best. Doing the bare minimum of work to pass my classes. So, when I went to take the college entrance exam I figured well, my idea of going back to college would be dead right then and there. But something incredible happened not only did I pass I ended up being placed in the honors classes. I was convinced that this was a mistake, a one time fluke that could never be replicated. Well I was wrong. I ended up leaving the community college because it became too hard for me with my agoraphobia. But the story didn’t end there. I subsequently enrolled at Southern New Hampshire University in their online program. I am not going to lie, sometimes its incredibly hard to stay focused, to keep my eye on the prize. I only am a half-time student and it is taking me a really long time to move through the courses. But the good news is I am more than halfway there and for most of my classes I receive A’s and B’s but I have had one failure which is why my GPA is only 2.72. And I just wanted to say if I can do this so can you, if only you give it a try. Oh yeah, by the way, my major…..Well it’s Psychology of course with a focus on Addictions.
I want to wish anyone who may be reading this good luck with your future too. And remember you can do it too!!!
Kathy
My name is Jampa T Ritzekura, I am 36 years old and currently reside in Minnesota. About 10 years ago I was going through lots of anxiety, depression, manic, panic attacks, racing mind. I couldn’t take it anymore, lost hope and one day I almost ended up taking my own life. Having an image in my mind of hanging myself. And then I knew that I had to seek for some help. So I spoke to a close friend of mine, Sherab. And he recommended me to watch mindfulness meditation on YouTube by Mingyur Rinpoche. I watched, learned and practiced mindfulness meditation everyday consistently because I didn’t want to end my own life. To the point where I was able to control my own mind. And it has been 10 years now and I am cured from my mental illness and no more panic attacks, anxiety, depression, manic, racing minds and Suicidal thoughts. I want to let everyone know that mindfulness meditation practice everyday can cure your mental illness. Suicide is not the last option, don’t loose hope and don’t give up. Reach out to your friends and family, share your struggles. If I can overcome my mental illness and Suicidal thoughts, so can you.
I first began to experience symptoms of bipolar disorder in my early teens. i was put on Lithium while in a hospital and right away the almost catatonic depression I was in began to ease. From there on in, it seemed medication would be the answer to everything that was wrong with me. For years i was on every depression medication available, tricyclics, MAO inhibitors–when one stopped working, I was simply put on something else. Then things got better and I needed no medication through my twenties. i still struggled with lows, but there were no suicide attempts, I was able to live and love, to work and, for the most part, even enjoy life. Then, at the age of 29 I had a manic episode and my medication nightmare began.