This Is My Story *Trigger Warning*
Hello everyone!! You can call me Dani and I’ll be entering the 11th grade in September of this year. I mostly consider myself as a very bubbly, compassionate, empathetic and sweet 17 year old girl. But what is also a part of me is mental illness.
At the age of 2 I was diagnosed with an auditory processing disorder. This pretty much just means that I process things a little slower than my peers around me. However, I was diagnosed very late, as my doctor thought my mom was being a “nervous nelly” first child mom. Since I was diagnosed so late, I had a lot of trouble keeping up with kids conversations, vocabulary, and relationships.
A few years later, I was bullied a lot as a child. First in elementary school for my delay. Then in middle school by one “friend” of mine for various reasons; clothing, my singing ability, etc. Before I knew it, I started to self harm by just my finger nails. Overnight my anxiety disorder became a part of me. No one knew. I reached out 2 weeks later and got help from a school councilor. However, I relapsed 2 months later with self harm using a sharp object
I started out my first year in high school at my public high school. We’ve always loved the public school system. But the high school was not the same. No one took my anxiety and depression seriously (except for one teacher who I was very close to). My councilor just brushed me off and made me feel like I wasn’t “sick” enough for her. The environment would just make my anxiety and depression so much worse. I would walk in there every day preparing for the worst.
Summer of 2017 was a summer that no one saw coming. I started my first medication for my anxiety and depression. I was so excited to be able to enjoy summer with my friends and family!
But before I knew it, I was having suicidal thoughts, voices, visions, ideations, and even did an “experiment” with something to get a feeling of what it would be/look/feel like for me. The day after the experiment, I told a close friend of mine. She told her therapist, and referred everything to my mom. I was at my second home in California, which just made it that much harder. I remember my mom’s reaction to all of this; sobbing hysterically not knowing what to do. I was on the phone with my friend from California, sobbing as well, getting ready to go to the hospital.
But then, a miracle happened. My psychiatrist told me to stay home. That this was all due to the medication. This was a serious side effect and that I was going to be ok. And I was ok.
I just turned 17. I was recently diagnosed with emotional mood dysregulation disorder, which is under the bipolar disorder category. In 10th grade, right after I got off of my medication, my moods were out of control. Happy, depressed, panic attack, fine, etc. It was incredibly draining. To this day, I’m scared of my moods. I’m scared of what they are gonna do to me.
But you know what? That’s ok. Cause recovery is possible.
Yes I may have started self harming again and cutting myself for the first time December 2017-January2018. Yes I may have had so many low points where I feel that there is no way out. But through all of this, I’m so much stronger now. I have armor made out of steel, and I’m a warrior. And I know it.
You are not alone, we are all in this together. If I was able to get through my darkest times, then so can you. There is a light at the end of every tunnel. That doesn’t mean it gets any easier. It just means that we get stronger. Everything happens for a reason. Even the worst things in life. You become stronger. You become more fearless. You realize how much of an amazing person you are. Cause we all have that little spunky spark inside of us. We all get to see that eventually. And I’m so grateful to say, that I have found that; through music and singing, which is my passion.
And so from here, my story is not done being told. It has so much more it wants to say. So I’m off to see what that is. We are all in this together!