Opening the Box
I didn’t know what to do. I was trapped. Trapped inside this box that felt like you could never get out. The walls were coming closer and closer until I couldn’t breath. It was that recurring feeling that I felt. I was anxious. No one understood, no one got it. The feelings that i felt. The pain that i experienced. My heart was aching and felt cold, yet hot at the same time. One moment i was laughing and then next i wanted to crumble into pieces. I told people that i was tired, even when i was just upset. I said that i was ok, but i just wanted someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight, and say I know you’re not. That feeling of knowing you lost something but not knowing where you last had it or what it even is. I didn’t want to die. Just take a break, a break from the emotions raging inside of me. I was done fighting this war inside my head. I wanted to give up.
I woke up to the sound of my brother, Joey banging on the door making weird sounds. I got out of bed and looked outside only to find my brother not breathing. My mom tried to give him the heimlich but it didn’t work. He just threw up. My sister and I ran downstairs to call 911. I cried downstairs and wrapped my arms around my sister. What would happen to my brother? Finally, the cops came and took my brother and mom away. My brother was fine, but how could I ever live with this picture in my head.
I woke up the morning of Halloween, with no warning, just some screams. He was gone. My pepa left without saying goodbye. I wanted him to walk through the door and just give me a hug. I miss his laugh, his warmth, his riddles, and I miss seeing his smile at my soccer games. I know he is here with me, smiling when I pass the finish line in cross country, listening to us to tell the his stories, and proudly watching me perform my bat mitzvah service.
I knew that i was just one spec of sand on a large beach. Without me, no one would notice. So was it really worth it to stay alive and live through the pain. I loved my family, but why would they love me. This ugly, mean girl that stood in front of them. I wasn’t lovable.
I looked to my right, only to find that it was 3am. Why was I still up? This seemed like an everyday activity that I needed to end. I got more and more frustrated, closing my eyes and trying so hard to be asleep. However, my racing thoughts stopped that from happening. I had so many emotions and feelings raging inside of me with no one to tell. The worst part was once I finally fell asleep, I never want to wake up. That doesn’t mean I wanted to die, I just needed a break; A break from the constant stress and anxiety. A break from having to pretend I was ok, when I was actually dying inside. I felt like I was falling in a never ending well. I was falling and there was no one there to catch me. I was all alone.
Know fast forwarding a couple months to today, I feel set free. Like the box had a secret opening on the bottom and let me out. I know how i felt and what it was like, but I also know that no matter what bumps occur along the road, I can get through it. Anyone can. Feeling worthless isn’t worth your time. I realized that why did it matter what I looked like or who I was friends with. It just matters that I am happy.
