Therapy Works, For Real
In my teens, during a heated argument I once told someone “I think I need help.“ The response was, "No you don’t, that’s ridiculous." I forced myself to believe that; I thought "ok, maybe you’re right, maybe I’m just being overly dramatic." And I went on with my life, feeling lonely and unhappy for many years. I was overweight, unattractive, shy, had very few friends, and couldn’t get a date with anyone. I also had a constant stream of unpleasant words running through my head, but I’d figured that was just a normal thing that came with being unhappy.
When I finally met someone to spend the rest of my life with, I almost ruined it, because I’d never received the help I needed when I was younger. Because of my problems, over the years my brain had built up all kinds of self-defenses to keep me feeling like I was worth something, in spite of my shortcomings, and it actually got to the point where I felt like I was superior to most everyone, and that people weren’t worth my time. I was under serious stress from the word stream, too, from trying to fight it off 24/7. In short, I had become a horrible, cynical, selfish person who felt like the world owed me something, that everyone around me owed me something, and that no one could possibly understand the loneliness and unhappiness that I’d felt for most of my life. And I ended up hurting my special someone because of all this, and he suffered emotionally for a long time because of me.
In 2011, I finally, FINALLY realized what I’d done, and I broke down, horrified at myself. I told him, "please, I just want someone to fix whatever’s wrong with me." He referred me to a psychologist he’d seen as a teen, and I finally made that much-needed appointment.
I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder and OCD. It only took the psychologist one session to diagnose me, to get to the root of all those harmful defenses I’d built up, and the stream of unpleasant words, that had plagued me all those years. The truth was, deep down inside, I hated myself. I was severely insecure about myself. And I’d been taking it out on the few people around me who did care about me; I’d been taking them for granted and just assuming they’d always be there for me.
This revelation completely turned my life around. Suddenly I understood why I couldn’t look anyone in the eye, why my posture sucked, why I didn’t like talking to my peers, why I got so angry and petty over stupid little things. I understood why I thought I could prevent plane crashes by counting my ice cubes, why I thought I could keep my loved ones from dying by chanting certain phrases repeatedly in my head, and why I couldn’t listen to my favorite songs when I was on my period, among many other unusual "quirks” I had. There was a rational explanation to everything, even the weirdest stuff, and it had come from a complete stranger.
Growing up, there had been a huge social stigma on mental illness. It was considered cool to “pretend” you were crazy, as a way to stand out from the crowd or something, but if you were actually mentally ill, no one wanted to have to deal with you. It was like this big embarrassing, taboo subject, and nobody wanted to be related to a “crazy” person, or otherwise associated with one. So because of that, I’m sure I wasn’t the only person who didn’t receive the help they needed as a teen. Someone was embarrassed at the idea of me needing help, and I didn’t get it when I needed it. I suffered needlessly for years, when I could’ve just gotten counseling and been a much happier person for longer. I’m a happy person now, and things have been so much better ever since I started getting help; but I can’t get back all those years where I just stewed in my own misery, loneliness, and hatred of others.
If you know someone who thinks or says that they need help, believe them. Support them. Respect them. If you need help for yourself, you have to try to get it, don’t worry about what others will think of you. There’s absolutely nothing wrong or embarrassing about taking care of your mind’s well-being. A lot of it is just particles in your body that are acting up - you didn’t choose it, you didn’t do it to yourself, and you don’t deserve to have to suffer through it. Nobody does. You are important, you deserve happiness, and there are people who can help you.
