A few months ago someone asked me if there was anything good about living with depression.  I answered the question but I must admit that I was stumped by it.  What could possibly be good about living with depression or any other mental illness? After all my mental illness has repeatedly pounded me into submission, driven me to my bed for days, and pushed me past the end of myself for thirty-nine years. I have struggled through the seemingly impossible task of finding a decent psychiatrist combined with the stressful experiential process of figuring out the correct medication regime, and cloudy thinking that is the hallmark of a mental health crisis. Then there is the stigma that continues to cloak many of my fellow mental illness road warriors with a shame that only impedes our healing.  The pain of living with a mental illness sometimes exacts a toll that is too high to pay. Viewed through this lens it would be reasonable to conclude that there is nothing good about living with depression or any other mental illness.  However, if nothing else living with depression has taught me to look beyond what seems reasonable or logical to my unquiet mind.  

I am a believer and person of faith.  As such I choose to view my mental illness through the Word of God.  Now I know that I lost some of you when I mentioned God and the Bible.  Before you stop reading, I implore you to consider the entirety of my post.  I urge you to take what speaks to you and leave the rest.

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I live with mental illness due to trauma and abused growing up in a dysfunctional environment. My mother had mental illness. I feel that mental illness is not contagious. It is a health illness as anyone who lives with any other health illness such as; high blood pressure, heart conditions and other health illness. 

When I was tested and hospitalized I still did not want to accept the fact the mental illness may be genetic. I did not want to accept the fact that all the tests doctors ran on me the results came out that I have an anxiety disorder. It wasn’t until after the death of my fifty one year old sister who I watched her die from Squamous Cell cancer that I realize I have mental illness. 

I refuse to take medication. Reason: my best medication that helps me to live a healthy normal life is meditating in God’s word, Memorizing scriptures and applying them to my daily life that helps me and encourages me to press on in learning to live with mental illness. I am on my way in every day trying to live with mental illness and not allow mental illness in control of my life.

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I was officially diagnosed with both OCD and Anxiety Disorder over 13 years ago. I have struggled with being a perfectionist since I’ve been in grade school, which eventually I realized was a part of my mental illness. I am now 26 years old and a few months ago finally “came out” to everyone I know about my mental illness. Currently, my mental illness issues include social anxiety, OCD, and phobias such as agoraphobia and emetophobia. I realized that by sharing my story it has helped take a weight off my shoulder that had been dragging me down for over a decade. I want others to know of the daily struggles I and others with a mental illness deal with. Most days I cannot even leave my house because of anxiety and I’m afraid to eat food due to my phobia of throwing up. Even though every single day is a struggle, I continue to persevere because life is a gift and my mental illness has helped to show me my own strength.

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May is Mental Illness Awareness Month.  Each year it brings up memories that I have tried to forget for over 40 years.  This year I am tearing down the walls I’ve built around my mental illness memories and cycles of suffering.  This year I am being vulnerable and engaging in a conversation about the shame and stigma around mental illness by sharing my personal story with you. 

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My life has been affected in several different ways by mental illness. I have been diagnosed with mental illness—I suffer from depression and have been told that I am bipolar. I choose to manage my diagnosis without medication. My 27 year old daughter suffers from a variety of mental illness diagnosis, but the biggest way my life has been affected is by my son being diagnosed with multiple mental health diagnosis at the early age of 4. I noticed that he was different from most children early on (around 8 months) because he hardly ever slept. I was exhausted as a young mother of 2 babies. His sister was 18 months old when he was born. When he was almost a year old, he was diagnosed with spinal meningitis. He had a very scary seizure because of a high fever and was hospitalized. This was the true beginning. From that point on, we were in and out of doctors and hospitals and I really didnt know what I was supposed to do about his behavior. At the age of 4 he set my house on fire at 3 am in the morning, when everyone else was asleep. At this time, his neurologist had him institutionalized. After several short stays in mental hospitals for children, he was admitted and I was told he would probably be there for about 6 months and he ended up staying in that facility until he was about 12 and I finally was able to have him moved. He was hospitalized and then kept in group homes until he was 18 years old when he finally signed himself out. After he signed himself out, he began to stay in trouble with law enforcement. He had the following diagnoses: Impulse control disorder, ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, IQ of 59- that of a 7 year old, schizophrenia, bipolar, OCD, seizure disorder. After several encounters with the law, DJ ended up in an altercation with his godmother and stabbed her in the shoulder blade and the neck. He did not kill her, but when he saw the blood, he immediately called 911 and waited on the side of the road for the officers to get there and was transported to jail and charged with aggravated assault. After a year in the county jail, he plead guilty to these charges and was sentenced to 10 years due 5 and was sent to prison.  DJ was in prison from 2014 until October 2017 when he died in prison. DJ had turned 25 years old one week before his death. DJ was such a free spirit, with no boundaries and a handful to deal with. He had the goofiest smile ever and really worked my nerves any chance he could, but he was my DJ and I loved him no matter what. I spent most of his life with him at these hospitals, having family therapies and celebrating holidays. DJ’s mental illnesses were not handled appropriately and because of this, my son is no longer here on Earth with me. I miss him tremendously and have been suffering from depression a lot more lately. I tried to kill myself in May by taking 160 pills, but obviously God was not ready for me yet. My oldest daughter has been hospitalized in 4 mental hospitals since last year. My youngest 2 children arent speaking to me because they think I was a terrible mother because I let DJ die in prison. This has absolutely torn my family apart. I have joined NAMI because I want to be a voice for my son, for myself and for my family. I want to open Safe Haven homes in his memory and I need help doing this. 

Mental illness has been a part of my life for the past 30 years.  There have been many ups and downs.  There have been times I was hopeless and wanted to die.  Mental illness has even consumed my life at times.  Even so, mental illness does not define me.  I am more than schizoaffective disorder, depression, and bipolar 2.  I am not ashamed to have these disorders.  But I am also more than a label.  I am a unique person who happens to have a mental illness.  I do, however, understand that these labels are important, since they are used in giving the doctors direction in the best treatment for me. 

Having a mental illness has been the worst and best thing to happen to me.  It has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.  It has disrupted my life.  It has caused much pain for me and my family.  And it has moved me to the point of almost taking my own life.  Yet, having a mental illness has taught me many things about myself and about life.  I have learned that joy can be found in the simplest of things.  Every day is a day to start over and begin again.  I have seen more love and compassion from family and friends than I may have never seen otherwise.  I am more capable than I would have ever imagined to stand up to the hardest of life’s challenges.   Perseverance has become my friend.  And faith leads to healing for mind, body, and soul.

This thing we call life throws things at us sometimes that can overwhelm us and push us to our limit.  It dangles hope in front of us sometimes, only to jerk it away in an instant.  And just at the moment we think we have it figured out along comes a curve ball in the form of unforeseen relapses and occasional hospitalizations.  Mental illness has robbed me of many years of productivity and happiness.  But it has also led me to where I am today.  And that is a good place.  It is a place that I never dreamed I would be.  I am blessed with a wife who loves and understands me and a son who loves me unconditionally.  I have a sense of purpose and a desire to help others who are living with a mental illness. 

Yes, having a mental illness takes away so much from people.  However, learning to live life with a mental illness can give a new sense of meaning and purpose.  Finding this meaning and purpose is a process that takes time and patience.  Rome wasn’t built in a day.  And discovering meaning in the pain of mental illness won’t come overnight. 

I believe that real meaning in life can be found in the quality, not quantity, of life that we have.  Because, of the treatment I have received and the help of many caring people I am able to experience the quality of life that escaped me for many, many years.  Now, I am convinced there is a purpose for my pain.  My life has meaning.  And, hope, is a common word in my vocabulary.  There is hope.  There is always hope.  Mental illness does not define me.  It is not who I am.  It is something I am learning to live with and overcome every day.  By the grace of God, my future is bright.  And I am determined to shine the light of hope on others who may also be living with a mental illness. 

Recovery and Mental Illness

Remember you are not define by your mental illness. Your hope becomes your recovery. Your strengths and positive coping strategies empower your destiny to recover.

Recovery is possible if you believe that you are not your diagnosis. The road to recovery is not easy. Hope, strength, support, determination, and education on mental illness can help an individual with a mental illness recover so that they can live a productive and gratifying life in their community. Some individuals with mental illness can work, attend and graduate from college, buy a home, and have families.

Hope equals maintaining a mentally, emotionally, and physically healthy lifestyle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                                                  Written By: Tracy Goudeau, MS

Statistics state that 1 in 5 people struggle with mental illness but I’m wondering how many people with mental illness but don’t feel safe and comfortable sharing. The term mental illness carries a stigma that most are ashamed or afraid to carry. I have generalized anxiety disorder along with panick attack disorder but that does not mean that I am my “mental illness” just as someone with high blood pressure isn’t labeled as such. Everyone has struggles and issues and should be able to express themselves and seek out the positive in life! I am optimistic about life and know that the options are endless.. the more I share and open up the lighter I feel. I am not alone. You are not alone. I will continue to be open and transparent and Use my anxiety to fuel the fire and view my shortcomings as a strengths that Are continually shaping who I am and giving me goals for who I want to be.

We Don’t Tell Them

We say don’t be scared of mental illness. That there is no need for stigma or fear. And I think this is perfect advice for how to think about those in active treatment (taking medication, in therapy) for mental illness. I’m not sure this is good advice in the face of untreated mental illness. Untreated mental illness – bipolar mania / psychosis for example – is absolutely terrifying to witness and I would imagine also to experience. Bad things happen. Boundaries are broken, families are torn apart, marriages are ruined, and dreams are dismantled for starters. Untreated mental illness is heartbreak.

In an ideal world, help and treatment would rush in well before mania or psychosis took hold. But in order for that to happen, we would need to share openly what the early confusing signs of mental illness look like in day to day life and we would need to prepare people for the shock and devastation of seeing it for the first time, first hand in loved ones. To protect our own, recovering loved one’s reputation, there is so much we don’t tell people about the signs of mental illness. But we should tell them. Because maybe then if it happened to someone else’s loved one, they could get help sooner.

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In order to change the way people see mental illness, we need to change the story.  Because right now the story is that people diagnosed with mental illness are weak, damaged, dangerous, or faking it.  We hear about mental illness in the news only when someone has done something bad. Well, I live with mental illness every single day.  I am strong, I am courageous, I am giving and kind, and I am changing the story on mental illness for myself and for others. 

Mental illness affects 1 out of 5 children between the ages of 13 and 18.*  And 50% of all lifetime cases of mental illness begin by the age of 14 and 75% by the age of 24.*   Early intervention and acceptance is important.  I am 11 years old and I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, and Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures.  I also have Tourette Syndrome and my tics can become worse due to my mental illnesses.  So it’s important that I understand exactly what my diagnoses are and how to treat them because I have to advocate for myself.  I have to be aware of when I need to help myself and how to treat my illnesses.   Ignoring that reality could be fatal, and this is why I am changing the story. 

People don’t think of mental illness the same way they think of physical illness.  But my neurologist told me that the mind and the brain are one and the same so we should treat people with any illness the same way.  If you were to ask a group of people what words come to mind when they hear “mental illness”, they might say crazy, psycho, or dangerous.    But ask them what they think of when they hear the word “cancer” and they might say Survivor, support, or courageous.  The problem with this perception is that both are serious biologically based diseases.  And both can kill.  Suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death for ages 10-24.  More teenagers and young adults die from suicide than from cancer, heart disease, AIDS, and birth defects, COMBINED!

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