We hear so many times about the stigma on mental health and how we need to end that stigma. But I want to express the stigma on suicide and self-harm specifically. It’s often the quiet ones that don’t talk about their mental health that commit suicide and participate in self harm. We all need a little more understanding on why suicide and self-harm crosses a person’s mind. A lot of the times they don’t want anyone to know about their scars or their plans to attempt suicide. Sometimes the words of others give more reason to attempt suicide and participate in self harm.

            Self-harm does not always mean that a person wants to die. When a person goes long periods of time without any type of release from their mental and emotional pain, they look for something physical to feel. Especially those with major depression, they go for a while without telling anyone about what is going on internally. That causes them to bottle up all the feelings and emotions on the inside. 

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My name is Alicia and I have struggled with an Eating disorder for 19 years along with depression and self harm. I was hospitalized last may for my eating disorder and self harm and I never thought that I would be able to be in a better place than I am now. I still struggle with eating disorder thoughts and self harm thoughts, but I have learned better ways to cope and I can honestly say that I am much better than I have ever been in my whole journey with my eating disorder. I am not saying that I am perfect, or fully recovered but I am saying that it is possible to get recovery and I want that for everybody because living with an Eating Disorder is a crappy existent! I have not self harmed since last year and that is also something that I never thought I would be able to stop doing, I still struggle some days, but I am learning how to cope better! For anyone who has struggled with an eating disorder and self harm it does get better and I hope that by sharing some of my story I can inspire others to see that recovery is possible! 

It all began in 2011 when my grandma passed away. I began to really realize there was no guarantee that we would be alive the next day. I struggled with self harm shortly after this occurred. It wasn’t enough to just live and fake a smile anymore. My self harm will not be named due to the fact that it may cause triggers to others. The self harm continues all through out secondary school. When I got to upper school (high school), things seemed alright I got involved with sports to try and shut out my horrible past. Then I met her. She was a great friend but I knew she was just like me. And that was like toxins in my mind, and body. Because that meant she couldn’t help me she was just going to support my bad habits.

My anxiety started to truly kick in. I began to worry that I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, strong enough to get through life. I began to self harm and fast for the simple fact that if I could just lose that inch or that pound I could be popular. I could fit in more. I wouldn’t be the outcast to my peers. It really hit me when I kept getting sick, never got better. People saw me though, but not for a good reason. I became their name to put on their prayer list. They kept asking what’s wrong? Are you okay? And tried and tried to tell my mom that I didn’t feel right, I don’t know what’s wrong with me! I feel numb. I felt like I was dying on the stage as a million people watch me die and no one did a thing.

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Hi my name is Elania. I suffer from depression. Yeah I smile but its all fake. I self harm but not all the time. I write my thoughts down in a notebook I bought. The reason I self harm is because I’m numb I feel like it would take the pain away from what I’m thinking. I self harm because of what people say about me like my weight and my ugliness. Yes I have friends they help me but it doesn’t work but I just need some more good advice please. 

To the scar person who got their scars from self-harm and who is now recovering, It is not good to consider the scars beautiful. They are not beautiful and they are not ugly they are just scars which you are leaving alone to heal. Please concentrate on therapy and medication which can help you get out of the frame of mind which made you self-harm.

 Go look in your mirror and look at your arms, legs, thighs, and stomach (Wherever you would normally self harm.) look how clean and smooth your skin looks. Now imagine big puffy scars overburdening your body, Not so pretty right? Imagine the changes and sacrifices you would have to make, Wearing long sleeve shirts on hot days to cover your scars, having to hide the fact that whenever someone grabs or touches your arms or legs the burning hot pain flows through your body. Wasting money to go buy gauze and razors to feed the horrible addiction of self-harm. All that time wasted when you could have been hanging out with your friends but you wouldn’t go because you were in fear they would find out about the picture you’re painting on your skin with a razor. Don’t do it, everyone always regrets it. Stay strong.

Depression is the result of not treating the symptoms early and accumulate over the years. I wish my parents and I knew the symptoms early. Started self-harm since 11 year old but only receive treatment at 16 year old. To me when I was young, I thought banging my head on the wall is a normal thing for children. I still struggle with self-harm..Every scar on me represent my sadness or anger that people cause…I not proud of my scar but neither am I ashamed of it..I am still fighting!

Panic attacks, anxiety, depression and self harm. I let those define me over a year ago. That was my reality, and it still is, but this time I am defining myself trough the experiences that I have acquired trough getting healthy. 

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My name is Athena. I’m **-years-old. I was diagnosed with PTSD two years ago and anxiety with depressive episodes. I have struggled with this since I was about 11-years-old. I am healing.

The first time I ever felt bad about myself was when I got excited about a movie as a kid and my dad told me “no one cares.”

I experienced verbal abuse from him that led to self harm. He would always say he was “joking.” One time at a lake when I was 5, my dad threw me in and laughed as I couldn’t breathe in the water. My mom ran down and pulled me out while I cried my eyes out. He said it was supposed to be “fun.”

An F on a math test? My dad almost punched me in the face but held back when I was 12.

Me walking in on him cheating on his girlfriend (after my parents divorced?) He threatened to light my drawings on fire.

Every time I talked about an accomplishment, it was time to move onto him. He never gave me praise - but showed me off to his friends because of my intelligence.

When I became an adult, I had a tendency to attract men similar to him. So much so, I was raped two years ago. I joined the same club as my mom - from when she would tell me later.

I’ve had men demand to see my phone, cheat on me without using protection, slap me, follow me on the street, grope me, assume I want to fuck them because I’m bisexual, and assault me.

I am afraid of men. But I don’t let it control me.

I am in therapy and after a few therapists - I found the right one. I think I’m making progress but recovery is NOT a straight line. Don’t believe the motivational speeches that “everything will go away.” It doesn’t but therapy teaches you how to manage and not let it consume you.

Currently, I’ve been a relationship for 2 years with a man who has been very supportive. He struggles - he has ADHD and depression along with a history of drug abuse. I’ve seen him not be able to get out of bed but I help him as he’s helped in in a healthy manner.

My best advice is fine those you can trust. From friends, colleagues, family - ANYONE. It’s not easy in the slightest but sometimes you can’t do it alone. But once it’s out of you, it feels SO good. Asking even the question, “I’m going through a lot right now, can I talk to you about it?”

There are state resources, insurance, Medicaid - there are options out there that DO help! Try different therapists, different techniques, etc. But you HAVE to keep fighting. Not everyone works the same way. Sometimes medication doesn’t work for some. Sometimes it’s the only thing that helps.

But you have to keep going…And there are some who still don’t make it. It’s a fact some people have to accept. But YOU are in control.

This drove me to start working in health insurance so I could help those who were struggling in American healthcare and truly make a difference.

To depart with a quote from Anne Sexton (who committed suicide when she was 46 and was a very famous poet when she was alive:)

“Put your ear down close to your soul and listen hard.”

I’ve been mentally ill for 15 years, beginning when I was 10. This was when I wrote my first suicide note and the age my illness began to expose itself. When I was 11 I was sexually assaulted; an event that manifested in self-harm and promiscuous behavior. I constantly thought about suicide. I felt my parents would be better off. I was relentlessly bullied for an event I had zero responsibility for after my attacker had bragged to his friends about it. Older men contacted me for sex beginning when I was 12. I hid it all and I hid it well. 

By the time I was 16 I had seen 2 therapists, been put on 3 medications and was diagnosed with chronic depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I felt like a zombie just moving through my so-called life. I was cutting myself daily to snap myself awake and actually feel something. I was disobeying my parents; sneaking out, getting caught at parties with alcohol, having sex with men 5+ years older than me. I didn’t care about any of it. It was September 2010 that years of suffering in silence boiled over. I stole a bottle of my best friend’s Hydrocodone at a football game and chugged the bottle with the intent to drive home and never wake up. 

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