My Struggle with Anxiety
My struggle with anxiety came to a head when I was promoted to supervisor over the financial institution I work for. In the previous eight years I worked there I have had a few panic attacks but just attributed them to stress over a project never considering my past run ins with anxiety. In college my girlfriend (now wife) father died in a car crash and I had a short term phobia of driving after that. Once I was promoted a constant sense of dread set in, “what if” was there all the time. The worst was social anxiety when talking to people there was always a sense of expectation to fix it NOW. I have always had a hard time saying no to people and the constant demands of staff when just walking to my office only amplified my social anxiety. When I have an anxiety attack it is usually at work or after work. When I am approaching or approached I feel after work and in control then bang I am disassociate and one of my arms is shaking or pinching myself. Once able to recover my composure and make a hasty exit. It usually doesn’t hit me I have had an anxiety attack until after its pasted and the pain of a pinch or shake sets in. I pinch myself mostly on my left side but once in a while on my right, some times I pinch myself in my sleep. My left thigh is cover in welts and scars from the pinching. Then I can’t stop think about them, about the horrible what ifs. This caused many sleepless nights and avoided social interactions. I would only go to my desk and work over the phone and avoid meetings or interactions with people as much as possible. I went to two different therapists several time each but the best suggestions I got were to hold something or put my hands behind my back or cross my arms. I regularly
embarrassed myself in professional situations and lost several friendships because of the awkward and embarrassing anxiety attacks. I suffered for two years before taking serious action and talking to my doctor about medication. Medications really helped me calm down. For a while I thought I had beaten my anxiety and stopped my medication. Within a few weeks I was back not sleeping and having anxiety attacks at work. My last disassociation was in front of my yoga teacher after she asked my how I was doing. I felt like I had to perform or something was expected of me and I in front. After that I went back on medication and kept on meditating. Life is still hard but I have a better understanding of anxiety. I am continuing my medication and meditation. I have started to voluntarily put myself back out. Two steps forward one step back. Things that have helped me. Being Grateful: It is hard to be grateful and fear full at the same time. I am thankful for even basic stuff like having hands, feet or eyes. Exercise: Yes it sucks but it really helps over the course of the day. Medication: If you have a broken leg you have to use a crutch it will help the leg heal and you will be able to move better through the world. Diet: You probably feed your dog better than yourself. Veg, meat and fish 2 meals a day, 3rd meal whatever you want. Avoid sugar, except on Sundays you are not getting punished you are just cutting back. Routine: I get up at 5:30 am go to the gym for an hour come home make 2 eggs and bacon. Monday through Friday. When I don’t feel like it I count down like a rocket 5,4,3,2,1 and then get up get dressed 95 percent of the time I go. Saturday I do what I want and Sunday I clean and then ice cream or fro-yo after spending time at the park. Media: I quit facebook and don’t watch the news or much TV. I read more now than ever did in my life. Meditation: I meditate 5 times a day. 15-20 Minutes a day after working out, Morning, Lunch, Afternoon, Before bed. Try self compassion meditation. Self-Compassion: I tell myself I love myself every morning in the mirror a few times.(This is really weird but it works.) Everyone is suffering but we must shoulder our burden and struggle to take care of ourselves. When we do this we also take care of those around us.