My Journey
Hello to everyone reading this! My name is Leif and I’m currently a student at college and I have been diagnosed with bipolar 2. I’ve known depression before I even know a term for it. My father was an alcoholic that was in and out of jail during most of my childhood. I used to watch him everyday to see what he usually up to. Occasionally he would drink out of bottles he hid throughout the house; I often told my mom about them but I never truly understood what it actually meant. As a child I was completely unaware of the problems that afflicted my father. A few weeks before Valentine’s day in 2010, my father brought me to a jewelry store to help pick out a necklace for my mother. I never understood why he demanded me to come or why he would want the advice of a 10 year old. I’ll always regret not being nicer to my father. The night before Valentine’s day my father had a heart attack and slowly passed away in front of my mother, my brother, and myself. Life after that day was always different. I’ve never processed my father’s death completely but I remember him for the loving caring father that he hid no matter how bad his depression affected him. My brother processed his death in an entirely different way… He was the most abusive person I’ve had to deal with to this day. To my mother he was always extremely manipulative and careless. I always understood his actions but had no energy or care to do anything about them. He slowly started to try to get me to do things him until I was eventually his slave. He used to beat me and tell me to get tougher for no reason at all. I constantly pleaded to my mom for help until one day she told my brother to beat me. I asked her to give me up for adoption; to give up on me for my own happiness. She rejected. I was always alone after that day. How could I possibly have any friends? People my age could never understand the struggles I’ve gone through. In every way possibly I completely detached from the person I used to be. I was an energetic, loving, passionate kid that always got straight A’s just to make his strict Japanese mother happy. But living life without a father and an abusive older brother destroyed me beyond I could possibly comprehend. In my junior year of high school I remember get a text from my mother that read, “your brother is gone, for both of us.” I cried for days and days. Could I finally live a real life? Could I finally express the person that was deeply hidden beneath myself? My relationships with all my friends were completely fake, I hid the person I truly was in order to protect myself from rumors at school. I couldn’t imagine everyone knowing how my brother abused me or my mother. I continued to hid the person I was until I met a very special someone who had been through even more trauma than I had. I was exposed to the real world for what it truly was. For the first time I felt like I could be normal or somewhat like other people. But everyday was like a burden. But most mornings were always hard and every time I would talk to other people I would depersonalize due to my extreme anxiety. However, on some days I would feel healthy and more functional than ever. I could accomplish tasks with ease and efficiency that seemed absolutely unmatched. I knew there was something deeply wrong so I naturally did research in order to ease myself; to show I was normal like everyone else. At first I laughed at the fact that I could possibly be bipolar but the more research I did, the more I realized how I was absolutely wrong. I sought help. After my first therapy session ever, my therapist referred me to a handful of psychiatrists. Fortunately for me a few days later, I met a wonderful psychiatrist that informed me of bipolar 2 or manic depressive disorder. She prescribed me medication. Ever since taking this medication, I have been more stable mentally than I have ever been in my entire life. I can’t describe what it means for me to be happy. I love life. I have a dream of pursuing a degree in psychology so I may continue to increase my knowledge of mental disorders that afflict millions of people. I want to help increase mental health awareness in my community and to those close to me. I am unbelievably happy with life but for real reasons that make me cry whenever I think about them. Life is beautiful and everyone is capable of change with the right help!
