Everyone struggles with something in life. Some struggle for brief periods of time and some struggle every day. I belong to the some who struggle every day. Since I was 5 years old I have constantly struggled with mental illness. I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, schizophrenia, depression, anxiety, ADD, ADHD, PTSD, and attention deficit Disorder. My dad, step mother, and Step Father physically abused me for most of my life because they didn’t understand what I was going through and my Mother was the only person in my life to try to help me through everything I was dealing with. Unfortunately I did not trust anyone around me due to how I was treated at home and because I was constantly bullied at school because I was different. Eventually the abuse I was facing at my step fathers house led to me going into a state of shock and I tried to hurt my mother because I was so out of it and thought she was my step father. I was 15 at this point and was detained. 

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Enough is enough!  The challenge of living with a mental illness has struck me and many members of my family, female and male, and today, I am taking a stand. I will be their voice…for anxiety, depression, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder and more. I will not walk in shame and defeat for my head is lifted to the sky. I will not let society put us in a category, define us, or mark us as “crazy” or “half cracked”. We have to address mental illness in our global society and aim to defeat it like any other illness of the body. It has no perspective race, gender, or culture and it comes to steal the joy of living on this beautiful earth.

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    In July 2006 I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, anxiety and clinical depression, something  I have been dealing with it since I was 9. I went 25 years undiagnosed because of the lack of knowledge available for proper diagnosis and the stigma surrounding this disease. For those who have known me at any point in my life, think back and you will see the symptoms were always there. The fact is, no one ever bothered to ask me if I was okay and no one helped me seek treatment. It took me 25 years to finally look in the mirror and say “I need help”. I have struggled with this for my entire life, have nearly died on more occasions than you’d ever believe, and have had my health, finances, and relationships all destroyed by this disease. Go ahead and tell me it’s all in my head. Call me an asshole. Call me lazy, irresponsible, and just plain negative. You’ll never understand, you can never know what it’s like in my head, and you will never be there when I need you the most. Know how I know that last part? Because no one was ever there before, and no one is there now. Everyone wants to help the world, but no one wants to help those right under there nose.

    I’m pretty much a lost cause in this battle, but at least I keep fighting. I may disappear from the social scene for months at a time, but that’s just one way that I cope. There is no cure. There is no “perfect” treatment, medicinal or otherwise. This disease also leads to many other major health issues due to poor diet, lack of exercise, and self-destruction. During the “manic” phase I feel invincible, so I do many things that I know are bad for me, and even dangerous. I may seem happy at these times, full of life and grand ideas. The truth is, I cannot focus on anything long enough to make these dreams come true. Then there’s the pain. Brutal, stinging, blood boiling, unimaginable pain. If you lit me on fire during these times it still wouldn’t touch what I feel inside. With the pain comes the anger. Raw, uncontrolled, unexplainable, unfiltered anger. Nothing seems to go right. Nothing works. All there is in front of me is this red haze of uncontrollable anger. 

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I have been struggling with mental illness for most of my 55 years on this planet. I have seen so many therapists over the years that there is no way I could begin, to remember their names. My diagnoses include PTSD, depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, ADD, and so on and so on. But that is not why I decided to post my story. In 2010 I married my soul-mate who also suffers from several mental health issues. Every day is a struggle, I am not going to lie. But in 2012 I decided to take a huge step forward and return to school. All the way growing up I was a mediocre student at best. Doing the bare minimum of work to pass my classes. So, when I went to take the college entrance exam I figured well, my idea of going back to college would be dead right then and there. But something incredible happened not only did I pass I ended up being placed in the honors classes. I was convinced that this was a mistake, a one time fluke that could never be replicated. Well I was wrong. I ended up leaving the community college because it became too hard for me with my agoraphobia. But the story didn’t end there. I subsequently enrolled at Southern New Hampshire University in their online program. I am not going to lie, sometimes its incredibly hard to stay focused, to keep my eye on the prize. I only am a half-time student and it is taking me a really long time to move through the courses. But the good news is I am more than halfway there and for most of my classes I receive A’s and B’s but I have had one failure which is why my GPA is only 2.72. And I just wanted to say if I can do this so can you, if only you give it a try. Oh yeah, by the way, my major…..Well it’s Psychology of course with a focus on Addictions.

I want to wish anyone who may be reading this good luck with your future too. And remember you can do it too!!!

Kathy

Is it ok to not be ok?

I have to tell myself at times that it is ok to not be ok. When the depression comes at times, instead of fighting it, I stop. Cry it out. When I get anxious, I do what I need to do to calm down. I have coping skills and my support system to help me managed my mental health. Although times are good, but the times that are not so good comes to surface. I get angry with not only others, but myself as well some times. No one understands me, but those that goes through the same thing. Only us that has been diagnosed with a mental health disorder understand each other. Opening up is not always easy as people think. Telling others that I am not ok can bring a lot of questions that we are not wanting to anxiety. Afraid to call in to work again because your anxiety is high. They’re aware of your mental anxiety, you tell them that you have been anxious because of the crowded room they put you in. Plus they add more people, and still expect you to tough it out. Is it really to be ok when its not ok? I understand shutting down, go into that comfortable place alone, and not talking about what is wrong. I promise I know that place all so well. Whether ok or not ok. It is ok! You are not alone at all. We may never meet, but we all are fighting together. We all have a voice for each other! When one can’t speak, I promise you we speak for each other! 😇😀

TO ANYONE WITH ANY MENTAL ILLNESS OF ANY AGE:

(you don’t have to be in middle school)

Middle School’s known to be some of the hardest years of our lives, between hormones and homework it’s tough enough to make it through without mental health and the stigma it so often carries. As it’s impossible to make it through a class without someone making a joke about a mental illness either a friend of mine or I have, I’ve come to a certain conclusion. Teenagers will be teenagers, it shouldn’t be that way, it shouldn’t be an excuse to kidding about things that people truly struggle with on a daily basis, but it is. Sometimes things in life are just stupid, but we can’t let that get to us.

I’m a 13 (almost 14) year old in the ignorant year of 8th grade, towards the end of last year a few things in life went really, really wrong, and it resulted in a series of unfortunate events (no pun intended). Basically, by the time 8th grade started, I had not only experienced my fair share of panic attacks, gone to a therapist several times, but I had also been diagnosed with depression and an anxiety disorder. I had basically hidden from my entire grade during the summer, so as school started up again and I was struck by a mass of indirect insults towards my mental illnesses, let’s just say there was a lot of tears at the beginning of the year.

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I first began to experience symptoms of bipolar disorder in my early teens. i was put on Lithium while in a hospital and right away the almost catatonic depression I was in began to ease. From there on in, it seemed medication would be the answer to everything that was wrong with me. For years i was on every depression medication available, tricyclics, MAO inhibitors–when one stopped working, I was simply put on something else. Then things got better and I needed no medication through my twenties. i still struggled with lows, but there were no suicide attempts, I was able to live and love, to work and, for the most part, even enjoy life. Then, at the age of 29 I had a manic episode and my medication nightmare began.

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I have been struggling with mental illness from a young age. I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, adhd, ocd, borderline personality disorder, anxiety, psychogenic seizures, and a learning disability. I also am I recovering addict. I would like to spread my story to those in need to show them that the darkness does fade as long as you have the strength to flip the light. The goal is to inspire everyone but if that is not possible I aim to touch at least one person.

warrior

don’t be a bystander, be an upstander

I am eternally grateful the charmed life I live. But nobody’s life is perfect. At 18 years young I’ve gone through more than a typical teenager should have to go through. Starting at the age of 6 or 7 I began having separation anxiety- and that’s where mental illness began in my life starting with post-traumatic disorder. Since then I’ve overcome self-harm, eating disorders, substance abuse and attempted suicide. Mental illness isn’t something that a great number of people are aware about and to me; it really is a shame. But why isn’t mental health treated as important as physical health? Depression KILLS just like a viral sickness does. Although depression/anxiety/bipolar disorder are all a part of me, it is my goal to overcome battles that life throws at me. When I was hospitalized after an overdose, my parents and grandparents visited me and as  I looked around on those visitation days some of the other adolescents were alone. That broke my heart because in those 5 days my eyes were opened, I was inspired to break free from negativity all because on my road to recovery I had my family by my side: they believed in me when I didn’t. They gave me hope. NOBODY deserves to feel worthless or alone. Demi Lovato is inspirational and I hope to be the same to ANY body in need.

Be brave, reach out. You are worth it. You deserve to be happy.

We are in this together, STAY STRONG- stigma will break before we do.

Don’t let society win

                          POSITIVITY > NEGATIVITY

It was never about how dirty the house was or how many newspapers you had saved overtime or the amount of magnets you had on both fridges. It was the draining effect of what your mental illness would bring. What mom was I going to see today? Will she be nice and funny? Will she be mean and hurtful? Will she be sad and kept to herself? Everyday was different. Each had a little twist to them. From bipolar to manic to depression the things that are forbidden to be talked about. Yet they take so much away from people. I never hated you I just hated your illness. I hated that you became mean in a blink of an eye or you get sad within seconds and I did love when you were funny because we could crack jokes but all it took was for one little thing and you’d switch. I never wanted this for you. All I wanted was my mom. Your illness took over and it was so hard to love you. When you knew how to take the wound you opened and twist and dig it deeper. I know one day ill look back and be thankful for all the lessons learned and maybe help others one day, but for now I just want to help you.