My hopes in writing this article is to have the reader read this and finish with a greater sense of what it is like to live life with mental illness. Stigma around mental illness can be conquered; it won’t be completely gone but it can be less frequent with education and most importantly by people who speak out. Living with mental illness is manageable with the right kind of support and treatment. So this is my story living with schizophreniforum (a type of schizophrenia) and borderline personality disorder.

When I was eighteen, as my therapist said it, shit blew up. I had just gotten disqualified from the Navy in March of 2011 after lying about some information in my medical records and quite frankly I did not feel like it was for me. As it turned out being in the Navy wouldn’t have worked out anyways because of what happened two months later. After my ordeal with the enlisting in the military, I was trying to escape from my embarrassing moments by taking medication. This medication was an anti-anxiety drug used to calm the person down instantly. What I didn’t realize that by not following the prescription directions there would be serious consequences to my health.

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            My name is Jennifer and I am a recovered mental illness survivor—

            I have endured severe mental illness for over half my life.  During that time, I suffered from clinical depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, and borderline personality disorder.

            Due to the depression, my behaviors ranged from excessive crying to excessive sleeping to suicide attempts.  I felt feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, and helplessness.  All I thought I wanted to do was die.   But in fact, what I really wanted was help with overcoming my severe sadness.

            During my manic states, I endured impulsive, spontaneous, and irresponsible behaviors.  I felt on top of world.  I felt excessive amounts of energy.  I had racing thoughts.  I had delusions of grandeur.  I’ll be honest.  It felt great to be so high, but it is also very dangerous.  Risky behaviors can lead to much endangerment of self and others.

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I have been struggling with mental illness from a young age. I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, adhd, ocd, borderline personality disorder, anxiety, psychogenic seizures, and a learning disability. I also am I recovering addict. I would like to spread my story to those in need to show them that the darkness does fade as long as you have the strength to flip the light. The goal is to inspire everyone but if that is not possible I aim to touch at least one person.

Since October 2014 after receiving therapy and meds for one year I decided to join NAMI and become more proactive about ending #stigma about suicide and mental illness, partially at the suggestion of my therapist and partially because  of my own suffering. Maybe stigma is less than it was in the 1960’s and 1970’s but it’s still alive and well. If someone in the family or in the workplace complete suicide no-one wants to talk about it its like that person never existed. I suffered suicide losses both in my family and in the workplace. Due to heredity and both family and marital abuse/neglect I suffer from BPD. Sounds like 5 words to ruin a first date: I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I am still learning how to cope with my intense feelings and how to control some of them. Posting on NAMI and attending meetings has helped me a lot.

I attended the talk by Dr. Stephen Geisler at Zucker Hillside (Queens/Nassau) where he discussed Clozapine treatment for Schizophrenia which I found interesting. I am also reading “On the Road” by  Dr.Oliver Sacks where he tells of living with stigma and of his mistakes but also his ultimate success in his chosen profession. 

I am 31 years old and diagnosed with bipolar I, Borderline personality disorder, and anxiety. I was diagnosed when I was 19 but suffered since my early teens. At this point in my life I feel like the biggest failure. I have made many mistakes

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I will never understand why people with mental illness have to suffer in silence. I have borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder. Several people know about the bipolar diagnosis but only a handful of people know about the borderline diagnosis. It carries more stigma, at least in my case, and I don’t want people to look at me differently. I have had therapists and psychiatrists refuse to treat me because they cannot deal with the borderline diagnosis. How sad is that? Here I am trying to get help and the people who can help flat out refuse to treat me? It’s a lonely life to lead because I essentially suffer in silence. If I had diabetes or cancer I would be surrounded by a support system. Instead I have lost friends and my own sister in law won’t let me watch her 3 children. We need to fight this stigma so people like me can get the help and support we so desperately need. It’s not fair that we are judged. Do people honestly think we want to have mental illness? It’s not a choice and I have never met a person with mental illness who would say they want this life. I am not yet brave enough to tell the world I have borderline personality disorder. One day I hope I can. I hope everyone who has mental illness can get the help we need. I hope no one will have to suffer in silence. I hope the future for mental illness is full of hope and not stigma. That future is not yet reality, but I will hold on to the hope that soon it will be.

Who I was or thought I was by defining personality traits, changed the instant I was told. You are Bi-Polar (I) with underlying Borderline Personality Disorder. Now, before I walked into that office I had been through a year long series of such unexplainable bouts of destructive outbursts, life changing ups and downs and serve emotional metaphorical stones that were building weight upon my head and shoulders. After I was told…just a title…a name…a diagnosis, a full combination of utter relief and depression fell. It was identified…wait…it was identified. I am categorized. It will not be going away. For this moment. This is my new definition. “But, I’m a cop”. The math doesn’t add.

I mean I understand that, like any human body one can be susceptible, but what does this mean? The second rush hits. Will I have to leave my job? Are they going to find out? Do I have to tell them? What partner would want to work with a crazy? I have guns and am expected to maintain the utmost control in the most extreme situations! I’m talking about being shot at, fighting for my life, screaming babies, heat, long hours, blood, dead bodies, a vest that continues to shrink and suffocate with each breath and a uniform that is relentlessly unforgiving and heavy. Not to mention the constant onslaught of daily abuse by the very people I am there to protect (at work, when I get home on the news, my own family).

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I have been diagnosed with a long list of mental illnesses. I suffer from severe depression and anxiety, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD), and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Out of all of them, BPD affects my life the most. I have had BPD my whole life. From pre-school to elementary, I would cry the night before, the morning of, and during school because I wanted to be with my mother. One of the symptoms of BPD is fear of abandonment/paranoia of being abandoned. I did not want to be separated from my mother because I was afraid of being left behind.

Other symptoms of BPD are: feelings of extreme anger for no reason, a pattern of unstable relationships, disassociation, mood swings, depression, anxiety, impulsive dangerous behavior, feelings of emptiness, distorted and unstable self-image, and self-harm/suicidal ideations.

BPD also affects the way one thinks. They see things only as black or white - there is no gray area. In addition, people with BPD put someone they just met on a pedestal, then immediately drops them if the person says/does something they do not like/approve of. It can be the smallest thing and most times, the person has no idea that they did anything offensive. Having BPD distorts the mind, leaving the person unable to think clearly and logically.

I have burned so many bridges because of my fits of rage, my inability to handle stressful situations, and my attachment issues (fear of abandonment).
I have been in and out of the psychiatric ward at the hospital because of BPD. Every time I am released from the psychiatric ward I am hopeful and optimistic, praying that this will be the last time I will be in the psychiatric ward. Except, I always end up going back. I feel so frustrated because I am taking ten steps backwards from recovery.

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1. I’ve had anxiety since 1st grade, depression since I was 11 years old. This was in the 1960’s and 1970’s. Nobody talked about, understood or even knew about mental illness. It was referred to as “growing pains”.
2. Unfortunately, I wasn’t diagnosed until the early 1990’s; also with compulsive overeating, bulimia, borderline personality disorder, relationship/male dependency, survivor of mental, physical and sexual abuse and rape, codependency, PTSD, attention deficit disorder, self harm (cutting), suicide attempts, etc. 
3. When finally diagnosed, mental illness was still not really recognized by insurance companies. Therefore, receiving proper treatment was limited and frustrating. I’m sad and angry that I wasn’t able to get the help I so desperately needed as a child, my life might have been brighter growing up. 
4. I was finally able to receive therapy along with medications to help cope with mental illness. It is still a struggle. Couple of times my medications stopped being effective and I struggled with depression and anxiety. My doctor and I kept trying different medications and ECT’s (Electro Convulsive Therapy) until we found a combination of medications that worked. The ECT’S didn’t help me, but I know friends that find them very helpful. It gets difficult at times, just keep working with your doctor/therapist and there is a light at the end of the dark tunnel.
5. I’m very glad that children and teens are able to be diagnosed early and can get treatment so they have a chance to a brighter future. Even though we still struggle with the stigma of mental illness, times have sure changed since I was a child.

I am 59 years old and have been mentally ill ever since I can remember. 2 suicides in my immediate family made my mental state worse. My diagnosis include bi-polar, borderline personality disorder, depression and an eating disorder. My major difficulty is the stigma associated with my illness. I was laughed at by security at the er. They won’t fund a mental care facility but they will fund millions for drug abuse. When will people accept mental illness as a fact of society? I feel hopeless.