Depression Made me feel Dead a little every day. It’s like a virus inside your head that takes over. The worst thing is to know that my family and friends were around yet I still felt so lonely. I was literally my own worst enemy. I would come home and feel so exhausted from all of the voices in my head that I would just sleep to block it all out. I didn’t want to see daylight because I was living in a nightmare.
I knew I needed help but asking for it just made me feel like a burden. I felt as if I had lost myself and wouldn’t ever be the same again. I had no motivation to do anything because I couldn’t see a future for myself. Anxiety caused me to believe I was a failure and that I have basically Failed myself. ‘Be Positive’ was the worst thing anyone said to me. I wanted to speak to someone, but ‘I’m Busy’ was the only response I ever got.

I was certain that death was the answer, Looking back, all I saw was me falling at every step of life, betrayed by my own, cut off by friends and a career that wasn’t stable. I wanted everyone to know how I felt but I didn’t dare tell them. Eventually, I just isolated myself in my room because no contact with people meant nothing could go wrong.
I was constantly mad at myself for failing at every aspect in life, I was angry at myself for not being strong enough to handle all the issues. I was mad at my family for whom I had to sacrifice my dreams and income. I felt guilty as well for feeling this way, who would understand without judging or calling me selfish.
Unemployed for almost 3 years while working few months here and there for difficult bosses made me want to run away or crawl under the bed. I cried myself to sleep every night and at work I would hide and cry in the ladies washroom, overwhelmed with mixed emotions, I felt constant exhaustion.
2019, is 3 months away I thought to myself one night, I was turning thirty and I couldn’t shake off the feeling again, I have failed, I had nothing to call mine, No car, home or job. I was determined to end my life in December, I started spending more time with family and constantly reminding them, that I loved them. but deep down I knew my time was nearing, I set a date and my suicide note, explaining why this needed to be done and I left cash for my cremation and funeral.
The night before the set date, I was clearing my things and crying uncontrollably, unable to stop I lied down still choking on my emotions then something unusual happened, something in my head or was it a whisper? it said, “Give yourself another year’! I was afraid of moving, who said that I wondered, I looked around, gripped my pillow and just lay there quiet, unable to move a muscle.
At 6:00 am I gathered some courage and switched on the light, there was no one around but me and the buzz in my head. my head hurt, my eyes were swollen I went back to where I had penned down the suicide note and remembered all my struggles, from rape, molestation, mental tortures from my mum, jobs and financials I struggled with, my fingers were trembling but I managed to get the strength to tear it and go to bed.
when I woke up, it was 10:00 am and raining , I took a shower and decided to read depression related stories online , as I wasn’t able to afford counseling or meds and managed to calm down and promised myself that another year would do me no harm because it couldn’t be worse than what I have been through, in my country it’s difficult to speak about this, because everyone around just assume you are sympathy seeking , but I know I have to remain alive for more years, because I might be the strength someone is looking for , I might be the Hero to some one’s story or I might just be savior to another person.
Depression and Anxiety are real and fighting these two isn’t easy, it’s a dark world, whose door is unlocked at every stage of life. but I realized I have the key to keep it locked. Never rely on friends or close cousins, No one has the time to hear you or understand you, you have to be your own Hero!