Filling the Gap

When I lost my thigh gap

I had to part with most of the clothes in my closet

Many of which

Had once been baggy

Back in my days of humble bragging 

About never being able to find clothes that fit

When I lost my thigh gap

People stopped telling me I look like a runner

Which used to keep me going

Pounding the pavement to maintain my identity

Even though my fragile bones

Fractured from the stress

When I lost my thigh gap

I ceded the control I had previously clung to

Over every calorie eaten

And every calorie burned

To keep from taking up too much space

Because I thought being small made me more valuable

When I lost my thigh gap

I gained true freedom around food

I admitted that I actually like french fries

And milkshakes

And all the things I once said I didn’t like

So I wouldn’t have to eat them

When I lost my thigh gap

I found joy in being able to move my body

And realized what a gift it is to see what it can do for me

When I nourish it

And how refreshing it is

To sometimes take a nap instead

When I lost my thigh gap

I found out how much easier it is to learn and work and think

When my thoughts are no longer taken captive

By planning my next meal 

And regretting my last one

And worrying about when I’ll find time to burn it all off

What was once an empty space

Is now filled

And a hollow stomach

Is now fed

I had to lose what I thought was an essential part of me

To allow myself

To be made whole

Samantha is an eating disorder survivor currently living and working in Colorado. She nourishes her mind and body by being in involved in her church, cooking and eating delicious food, and trail running.