No Note!
Dearly Beloved,
I have a long history of suicidal thoughts, ideations, and plans. How am I still here? Because of you! Let me explain! I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, and Social Anxiety Disorder. It’s a daily struggle. Seriously, the very day I am writing this, it has been a major struggle. I often have intense urges to do some sort of self-harm or suicide. I have found over the past eight years since I’ve known I’ve had depression and such, that what keeps me alive and what keeps me from hurting myself, is you.
Maybe you struggle with suicidal thoughts and self-harm like myself. I would like to propose that you try writing what I call a “Suicide Lament” instead of a “Suicide Note.” In a typical suicide note, people tend to write to loved ones why they are killing themselves. I once began a suicide note, but as I began to write it to my family, the message totally changed from what I thought it would be. Instead of writing why I was going to commit suicide, I wrote why I was not going to commit suicide. Yet, I did not ignore my nasty feelings. I wrote the brutal truth of it, lamenting that I would not give into my urges. I accepted the feelings and said, “this is so hard and I have such the urge to do it, but I’m not going to do it for the sake of my family.”
I want to encourage you to live for someone. Choose a person. If you can’t think of one person to live for, then I beg you to live for me. I stay alive for you. You stay alive for me. Deal? Let’s live for each other.
I find that living for another person is why I am alive and still fighting. As I said, I struggle with intrusive thoughts, anxiety, depression and other stuff this very day. But thankfully, I don’t live for my own sake. I live for the sake of others. And to be honest, I find my strength in Jesus Christ, Son of the Most High God. Choosing to live for others, despite my suffering, comes from the image of Jesus on the cross. He shows me how to live. He shows me how to die. And it is not by suicide. He shows me what true love is; that there is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friend (John 15:13). So, I get to practice this great love. Laying down my life, ironically, means living my life. I am living my life for you, my friend. And I have so much confidence and this strange other-worldly peace in that. I lament a lot about my pain, struggle, and suffering, but my life does not end in death. It ends in eternal life.
Your sister,
Jacqueline
