Flashback to 2016, Holland MI. I am in the middle of my seminary training and everything seems to be going my way. I preach every weekend; do speaking events for fundraisers, and some of the top professors in the field mentor me. Everything seems perfect, surreal. The stars seem to be aligning. However, this floating 5 feet above the ground does not last. The panic attacks and delusions start to arise. I stop sleeping, wondering if I even need to sleep anymore. Everything I do is productive. That is until I hit a breaking point.

That is the moment when my parents were visiting my wife and I in Michigan. The visit did not go well to say the least. They left early; I was left with more panic attacks, and more stress. I knew something was wrong, so my wife graciously brought me into the hospital. It is at that point, where I totally lost touch with reality. And it is there after two weeks in the inpatient behavioral health unit that I was originally diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. After being home for a week and the doctors placed me back into the behavioral health unit because of a needed medication change.

The time after my hospitalization seemed to be some of the hardest moments of my life. I did not feel like myself and now I had to cope with a new reality, bipolar disorder. What does this mean for my future, for my career, and for my marriage? These were all pressing questions at the time. I remember sitting for hours in my recliner waiting. And I clung to the scripture that says “wait on the Lord, you will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.”

What I learned from that experience and from living with a mental illness

• Memory matters. The only thing that kept me going in the season of waiting after my diagnosis was memory. I remembered the times when I could run, go on hikes, and spend time with my nephews and nieces. Memories sustain us and remind us that this difficulty, pain, hurdle that we are facing will too pass
• Joy is there. One thing I noticed after and during my hospitalization was the absence of joy. In the moment of depression and darkness, it is hard to experience joy. But joy still is there and we need to cultivate joy somehow. For me the only thing I could do was play cards with my brother so that is what we do.
• Pain is not forever. As I adjusted my medications, it was helpful to know that the present feelings of pain and discomfort would not always win the day. It is helpful for me to know that what I am experiencing now does not mean that I will always experience it.
• Share. The best thing that I have done with my mental illness is being open about my struggle. I shared recently to the congregation I serve that I live with a mental illness. Sharing freed me up  to be honest about the places where I struggle and it invited others to be open and honest with what they struggle with.
• Find your people. As I continue to live with bipolar, I find that there are certain people who can pour into my life. These people go to battle for me, love me, and continue to check in with me. These friends are much needed respite in difficult times.

Ross Hoekstra is a Reformed pastor who has experienced both sides of bipolar disorder. Despite his diagnosis, Ross has led a productive life and career. Ross is married with a child on the way and is passionate about raising awareness for mental health.