Rock Bottom….Again.

I quit my job again.  I’m crying and agitated again.  I’m lost.  Living in a mental prison.  The only way to break free is to end it but that isn’t an option anymore because of my daughter.  She needs me.

As I ask my never quiet mind: “when will this end?"  But of course it doesn’t answer me.  It never answers this question.  

I’m scared.  What will become of me and my life?  

I have PMDD to add to my diagnosis list now.  Great!  That can help compound my OCD…PTSD…major depressive disorder symptoms.  Sarcasm in place.

I take my meds religiously.  Go to my counseling appointments and meet with my psychiatrist regularly.  And still I hurt.  This cycle never ends.

The healthcare providers just want to shove more meds down my throat.  I have been on antidepressants and mood stabilizers since I was 16 years old.  I’m 40 now.  

Now I’m praying for a miracle because I need peace for once.  

I have one good week a month and the other three weeks I’m either crying profusely or raging.  

The anger and agitation rips through me like a sharp knife.  It takes a hold of me.  I try not to let it but it consumes me.  The tears flow from me as if there is no end in site.

How did this happen?  Why can’t I be normal?  I had a great childhood.  Never wanted for anything.  I have a great support system and unconditional love from my family.

The meds don’t help.  Its as if I have grown immune to them.  I turn to other substances but they don’t help either.  Its all temporary.  I feel so burdened.  I’m exhausted from my disease of the mind.  Its constant presence in my life pains me to no end.

I have been admitted to the hospital before.  I have been in group therapy and intensive out patient therapy and yet here I am waving the white flag to my mental illness.  I guess its time to surrender because nothing seems to help me.

The disease makes me feel like a Jekyll and Hyde.  Never knowing what’s up or what’s down.  A state of confusion.  But I still, after all these years, hang on to my last thread of hope.  Maybe I will get better.  Maybe this will end.  Maybe I will find my peace.  

No one can take our hope from us.