Ptsd

I am sick and tired of living with anxiety, social anxiety, dissociation, addiction, self harm, wondering if I’m going to snap out of a bad episode this time around. I have exhausted my options, even the ones that I  they could help couldn’t because of abuse my whole childhood I have no true potential in my heart. I do not understand life like they do I want to then I got in domestic violence years ago triggered it even more and recently all the trauma from childhood surfaces. Physical, emotional, sexual assault from 2 to 11 on one of my abuses the rest I just don’t remember ever knowing any better. I need to find my purpose and I mean fast I feel like I will stay disassociated and the rest half of my life doesn’t sound so fun for me disassociated. I break I mend  I break I realise I’m still broken. I don’t tell my story but I’m fed up with my secret life from hell. I don’t want to live in hell anymore. I don’t even think counseling is helping anymore. My kids lost their mom years ago, only one child can say they have their mom but not like my other children knew me before the darkness came. I’m a really good mom in darkness imagine how good I could be in the light, Every bit of purpose died out of my life without them and yet if you were to ask them they would say they have a perfect mom. I want to be a mom a grandparent a person that helps others just existence feels just like my life without hope.