A Very Long Road

My name is Athena. I’m **-years-old. I was diagnosed with PTSD two years ago and anxiety with depressive episodes. I have struggled with this since I was about 11-years-old. I am healing.

The first time I ever felt bad about myself was when I got excited about a movie as a kid and my dad told me “no one cares.”

I experienced verbal abuse from him that led to self harm. He would always say he was “joking.” One time at a lake when I was 5, my dad threw me in and laughed as I couldn’t breathe in the water. My mom ran down and pulled me out while I cried my eyes out. He said it was supposed to be “fun.”

An F on a math test? My dad almost punched me in the face but held back when I was 12.

Me walking in on him cheating on his girlfriend (after my parents divorced?) He threatened to light my drawings on fire.

Every time I talked about an accomplishment, it was time to move onto him. He never gave me praise - but showed me off to his friends because of my intelligence.

When I became an adult, I had a tendency to attract men similar to him. So much so, I was raped two years ago. I joined the same club as my mom - from when she would tell me later.

I’ve had men demand to see my phone, cheat on me without using protection, slap me, follow me on the street, grope me, assume I want to fuck them because I’m bisexual, and assault me.

I am afraid of men. But I don’t let it control me.

I am in therapy and after a few therapists - I found the right one. I think I’m making progress but recovery is NOT a straight line. Don’t believe the motivational speeches that “everything will go away.” It doesn’t but therapy teaches you how to manage and not let it consume you.

Currently, I’ve been a relationship for 2 years with a man who has been very supportive. He struggles - he has ADHD and depression along with a history of drug abuse. I’ve seen him not be able to get out of bed but I help him as he’s helped in in a healthy manner.

My best advice is fine those you can trust. From friends, colleagues, family - ANYONE. It’s not easy in the slightest but sometimes you can’t do it alone. But once it’s out of you, it feels SO good. Asking even the question, “I’m going through a lot right now, can I talk to you about it?”

There are state resources, insurance, Medicaid - there are options out there that DO help! Try different therapists, different techniques, etc. But you HAVE to keep fighting. Not everyone works the same way. Sometimes medication doesn’t work for some. Sometimes it’s the only thing that helps.

But you have to keep going…And there are some who still don’t make it. It’s a fact some people have to accept. But YOU are in control.

This drove me to start working in health insurance so I could help those who were struggling in American healthcare and truly make a difference.

To depart with a quote from Anne Sexton (who committed suicide when she was 46 and was a very famous poet when she was alive:)

“Put your ear down close to your soul and listen hard.”