The Road Back

I live with Major Depression with Psychotic Features, and it has impacted my life in many ways.

I live with the daily struggles of depression, and the voices, distorted thinking, and the occasional loss of touch with reality which is the psychosis.  This illness took much from me, and I have struggled to get my life back to some semblance of normal.  I want to work so I don’t get isolated, make some money, and connect with people.  Continue to have positive interactions with my family, friends, and possible coworkers.  Take better care of myself, and live as independently as possible.  I work with my therapist, psychiatrist, job coach and peer support person to make a good, productive life possible.  As often as I can, I attend my local NAMI support group to stay on my goal of not being isolated, as well as having a safe place to share my feelings with others who understand what I am going through.  I stay on my medication because the alternative is unbearable to think about.  I went to jail because I was severely ill, and it has taken a long time for me to reconcile the fact that I not only have an illness, but I saddled myself with a felony which has made it difficult to find employment.  I have held jobs, but not without difficulty due to my illness.

It has been a struggle, but I have had quite a bit of success.  I have a “cocktail” of medication that has kept me stable, but not always symptom-free.  Every so often, I experience a small bout of depression and/or psychosis, bit they are not as debilitating as they used to be.  I have an improved relationship with my sons and grandchildren, I am actively seeking employment, my treatment plan is working, and for the first time in a long while, I actually see a light at the end of the tunnel.  I have worked hard for every hard-fought goal I have slowly accomplished, and victory is within my grasp. The simple things in life mean a lot when you haven’t been well enough to notice them.  A good book, a visit with a friend, a favorite meal, are the best when you have lived in a fog like I had so so many years.  I lost so much when I was ill, and I sometimes feel that they should be enjoyed before they are lost again.  I wish I didn’t have this illness, but it has made me appreciative of what I do have.  Love, joy, friendship, peace; things I have been able to experience and feel with all my being.  I want to leave you with this thought:  When you’re in the middle of the storm, there seems to be no way out; you’re tossed and turned every which way, your thoughts are jumbled, and there seems to be no answer.  But if you hold on, the answer will come.  It may not be what you expected or asked for, but it is always the right one.  I have lived this mantra for a while, and it has always borne itself out.  Hold on; your answer is coming.