When i was 19, i took a lot of illegal street drugs, psilocybin, street pills known as ecstasy, thc marijuana and dropped out of college…i was a high honor roll student living at home while attending college…then, i joined near campus living, i was sleeping around with young women and partying with drugs and alcohol as a 19 year old, and never went to school even though my hard working mother and father were willing to pay for my education.  I started hearing voices in the year 2000 after a week of partying, and I lived with them in my head until 2008…that’s when a nice lady at the doctor’s office prescribed me the mood stabilizer Lamictal, because, she picked up on my slight mumbling to the wall, without talking to her directly, in her nice quiet examination room, man, was i ever hiding the fact that i had a loud head.  Anyway, the drug helped stabilize the chemicals in my brain…once i mustered up enough courage to take the first dose anyway, i could hear my wonderful neighborhood, the birds were chirping, the neighbors were conversating, and happiness was in the air again.  Looking back, one of the life altering sounds that rung through my head was that I heard my 2 year old daughter very faintly cooing in the next room, it was like we connected, wow, I can hear my daughter think, ofcourse, when i was ritually watching the nightly news trying to pay attention to more than one thing at a time in a quiet house anyway. Lol.  What a beautiful moment, I suddenly found my head and ears again and loved my family…unfortunately, I was married to my wonderful wife at the time, while before i was medicated bipolar, so I found out as time went on that, we were indeed NOT made for each other!  At that time, I moved back north and lived with my mother and father and got to share incredible moments with my father before he passed on…he saw in me that I was well again and sharp as a tack like before, when i was younger, and we were getting along, buddy to buddy.  Inside of me, I was so proud that I was able to make HIM proud again before God called him up to heaven.  I did that with my actions, to the point, where finally one day, he smiled and said once “that’s my son!” Unfortunately, he was battling cancer, and my time with him was limited, a regret to my inner self because I hid my bipolar disorder for so long; truly, i was afraid that i had to battle psychosis, in real life, to my friends and parents…lol…I’ve been touched by many people in my life that also deal with this disease, including facebook friends, famous people through their stories, and i also learned to read and hear with meaning again…i was even able to take some of the grotesque vocals from rock bands or rapper guys and flip them around to learn that the meaning of their lyrics is not literal but an act, in fact, almost the opposite…today i am mentally stable and my mind works very sharply…unfortunately, i haven’t been able to meet someone that shares the same mentality as me, so I haven’t been able to be completely happy, because although I understand the norm, perhaps my views may be and my possible actions are so far fetched to many, so perhaps, I still hide my true self, ? which in turn, I find myself alone alot. ? But, that’s ok, since I live with my mom, who’s always supported me whether i was smoking dope or binge drinking!!!  Although critical to my financial problems is my college drop out days, I was able to take my awful experiences as a young man and garner them into incredible wisdom and vision in order to flood my daughter’s brain with that knowledge so that she doesn’t make the same mistake, as my parents were unaware of my disease being from the old country…thank you for letting me share, and please get medicated and listen to your mental health providers even though at times, they and the world feel so dumb or different to us…rememeber, their brain chemicals are not wired like ours so bear with everyone and include everyone in your neighborhoods and day to day life greeting them with a hello and maybe a smile!!!..thanks to all that have touched my life regarding bipolar disease!!! Although I am still battling pscizoeffective and bipolar disorder, I am able to pay homage to the way I use to be, so I am very thankful for doctors and meds and those that have treated and touched my life to bring me to the stability i have attained now. Remember, an 18 year old’s brain is far too little to be out late smoking a powerful hallucinogen like marijuana and taking street drugs, in such large amounts anyway! Thanks again for letting me share, and love to all that have heard and overcome the roar of sadness, desire, energy, anxiety and anger mixed into one all in one moment !

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