I was diagnosed Bipolar in 2015 and at first I was just desperate for a diagnosis.

I wanted a doctor to tell me I have a reason for my crazy. It sucked, but I wanted so desperately to have a reason. Because any reason was better than none. When I was diagnosed Bipolar I hid the fact that I was an Addict Alcoholic. I wasn’t honest with my doctor and that made things extremely difficult. I started taking medicine that could work but didn’t because I was still using drugs and alcohol. I tried so hard to justify any reason for my crazy just to support addiction to drugs and alcohol. The thing is, when you are taking specific prescription medicines you cant use drugs or alcohol with them. In order for the medicine to work it needs to be free from all contraindicating toxins or drugs. It is designed to be used a certain way and that is the way they work. The medicine didn’t work properly because I wasn’t using them properly; catapulting me into a full on tail spin. My addiction was enemies with my Bipolar and my Bipolar was friends with my addiction. Nothing was ever stable.

    When I first accepted I was an addict I convinced myself that I was misdiagnosed Bipolar and that I’m not actually “crazy” I just have a problem with drugs and alcohol. I was finally able to prove to anyone who ever said that I was “crazy” or “psycho” wrong. I felt like I was free from the stigma and from the label “crazy”. For some reason it was a lot easier for me to accept that I’m an addict because it is a common illness that many people suffer from. I stopped taking all medications when I got sober, because I thought I didn’t need them anymore. I had calmed down. My moods were stabilized and my life was manageable. I was finally free. Fast forward 3 years later and my life is unmanageable. I can’t keep calm, my moods are all over the place and I am exhibiting new symptoms. I moved from Georgia to Charleston SC and the big change threw me into having a manic episode. I noticed things were evolving slowly after my son was born but the big move made it even worse. If only I would have known what was really going on, I could have saved my family from a lot of hard times. But because I wasn’t willing to accept my previous diagnosis I had no way of knowing the signs and symptoms of what the start of my mania looked liked. I started to experience symptoms of OCD and Paranoia. Things have to be a certain way and there has to be a rhyme or reason for everything. I found that I’m constantly washing my hands. Sometimes twice in a row. I have been feeling paranoid and not in a way that I think there are people out side trying to kill me. The feeling of paranoia that I am experiencing is a false sense of reality that I am not good enough or that people are talking about me behind my back or that my husband doesn’t really love me. Things like that. You might be thinking that some of that behavior is innocent and that it is something you find yourself doing and your not bipolar. How can she be bipolar? Well, I follow this behavior with full on tantrums that you would see in a 3 year old. I cycle through every emotion possible until I peak the point of pure rage. I can not calm down until that peak is met. I literally explain it as an itch I can’t scratch or like a build up of pressure. Like a pressure cooker. That is exactly how it feels and it is honestly painful. My head hurts, my chest is heavy and it feels like I’m going to explode. After this happens I usually get overly remorseful and depressed. It might sound scary and honestly it is. But it’s not my choice. I didn’t choose to have these problems and trust me I don’t want them. I don’t want to reach the point of pure rage who the hell would but unless I reach that peak I cant come back down. That is what my mania looks like. A manic episode can last up to a day, months or even years. Sometimes I can cycle through mania a couple times a day. It just depends on what I am doing to manage my bipolar, if I am managing it at all. The more you manage it the less episodes you will have.    So here I am writing and spilling my guts because that is part of managing my bipolar disorder. Much like my addiction; I must be rigorously honest. I must accept that I suffer from Bipolar disorder and that is where my depression and anxiety is coming from. I didn’t want to believe that I have another diagnosis. How flawed can I possibly be. Then I was reminded that Demi Lovato is an addict with Bipolar Disorder so I was like HELL YEAH! That’s my girl. I love me some Demi. Just because you suffer from Bipolar or any other kind of mental illness, does not mean you can not live and lead a happy, healthy and successful life. I am ok with the fact that I am sick with a mental illness and an addiction. What I am not ok with is the thousands of people who are scared to be honest about there struggles they have with mental illness, because of the stigma. If you are someone who uses the word “crazy” or “Psycho” to label someone, do me a favor and stop. You are really hurting people who actually believe it to be true about themselves. I heard these words so much growing up and it made me feel small and worthless. Whether or not you think someone is or isn’t. Saying those words to be mean is like calling a fat person fat. Would you call a visibly fat person fat? NO! Because it would hurt them. Just because you don’t see something does not mean that it isn’t there. I want to change the stigma or at least be a voice for change. This is serious and people are literally killing themselves over it. Get your heads out of the clouds and start accepting that mental illness is a very REAL thing. I suffer from Bipolar Disorder and addiction. As a result of my Bipolar I experience depression and anxiety.  You are in my corner or your not but I am suffering a very real mental illness that has taken so many peoples lives. People that I personally know have been hurt by this illness and mental illness in general. Help me put in end to the mental illness stigma. BE A VOICE FOR CHANGE!!!