Surviving Dark Days

I am going to get honest and raw with you guys. Before I do though I want to stress that I am only doing this because it is a way to help myself heal. I am not looking for any type of sympathy. 

Towards the end of 2018 and the beginning of 2019, I was in a very dark place. One like I have never been in before. There, were a couple of months that suicidal thoughts kept entering my mind. These thoughts would sneak in on me a few times a day. I wish I could tell you exactly why I felt this way, but I can’t. Not because I don’t want to its because I honestly haven’t been able to exactly figure out why myself.

The crazy thing is I didn’t actually want to hurt myself. I just didn’t want to be alive anymore. I knew I would never actually do anything to take my own life. For one reason, I don’t believe in suicide. I think it is a sin and a selfish way out. The main reason though that I knew I would never actually do anything is because of my kids. I would never want them to ever feel like I just didn’t love them enough to stay. That is the farthest thing from the truth. They are my whole world and I would never want to hurt them at all.

So instead my thoughts were more like wishes. Wishes that a tragic accident would happen. If something else could just take me away, then I would be off the hook. I wouldn’t have to hurt anymore or struggle with daily life. Also, I would not appear weak to my family and friends. These thoughts haunted me day and night, yet I couldn’t make them stop.

I already see a psychiatrist every few months and take depression and anxiety meds every day. That reality made me feel even worse. I mean seriously what else could I do? Wasn’t I already doing everything I could? Why were the medications not helping me anymore? What had I done to be punished with these horrible debilitating thoughts every day? I couldn’t see any type of light at the end of the tunnel. I was so broken, hurt, scared and embarrassed that I knew I couldn’t break out of this on my own.

I thank God every day that I was able to finally admit to myself that I needed help. It was by his grace that I made a phone call to a therapist and got an appointment as soon as I could. On my first appointment, I was in tears. It was the first time I had ever been able to openly talk to someone without feeling judged. Once she got me to open up, I just couldn’t stop. That hour went by so quick, but I left there with a feeling of relief and an appointment for the next week. Haha After my second session I finally had a glimpse of hope that I was going to be ok and I was going to make it through this rough patch in my life. I continued to see her every other week for a few months.

I’m obviously not going to get into all the details of my sessions but as you can see, they helped me tremendously! I am still here, and I can honestly say I don’t want to go anywhere! Therapy was not the only thing that saved me. My sessions actually lead me to seek a deeper and stronger relationship with God. I know that my drive to have a true connection with the Lord is what truly saved my life. His love and mercy have allowed me to start seeing the good in life and not constantly focusing on the negative as I had been before.

I am not going to sit here and say that my life is perfect now and I never have bad days anymore. That would be a big fat lie! Life is hard and not perfect in the slightest. I still struggle every day with my depression and anxiety. The difference now is that I know I have the love, guidance, mercy, grace and most importantly the forgiveness of my heavenly father! I have everything I need to help me navigate my way through this thing called life. I could not be more grateful!!