**Warning Trigger

My name is David and I’m a college student studying Human Services. I’ve been doing very well in all my classes, but sometimes not so much in the rest of my life. I’ve been doing a lot better since starting college, but I’ve had for a long time and still do have pretty severe anxiety, often not about anything in particular, and I sometimes feel depressed for no apparent reason.

The worst time for me started in middle school and reached its peak in high school. During that time, I was still figuring myself out and becoming isolated from many friends in the process, especially when my friends became involved in romantic relationships. For long periods of time I have had no close friends and often felt hopeless. After a long period of time of having no close friends, I found one who seemed a lot like me and felt better about life with her around. However, when she withdrew from me the same way my past friends had, I started to feel hopeless again. I actually came close to attempting suicide around this time. I had a plan to walk into the middle of a highway and get run over, because I thought that was the only way the pain would ever end.

I was hospitalized following that, and received enough support to help me become a little more stable, but not too long after that, I got into a really toxic friendship. This person acted really attached to me at first and got me used to constant contact, then suddenly withdrew from me a lot. She had made me feel responsible for her well-being, so it made me feel bad if I ever couldn’t help her when I could tell she wasn’t doing well. This person would cut herself a lot and send me pictures of it, and I started cutting myself around this time because the pain I was feeling from isolation and feeling like I wasn’t a good enough friend was just too much for me. I kept feeling like I wanted to get this person out of my life, but my sense of hopelessness about ever being able to develop a close relationship with anyone else kept making that not seem like something I could do.

That was about the worst things have been for me, but it has definitely gotten better. I still often feel isolated, but I know there are many people who care about me and are there to support me. I haven’t cut in about 2 years, though I still wear long sleeves all the time to hide my scars even though I know they are more visible to me than anyone else. I still feel anxious about how my future will go, and am afraid of ever living alone because I feel like I couldn’t handle the isolation that would come with if I didn’t have a lot more close friends than I do. But I am definitely working to put my life together the way I want it.

I would just like to remind everyone reading this that no matter how dark things seem, no matter how much pain you’re experiencing, and no matter how little hope you feel that anything will ever be any better, there is always hope for you. There are always going to be people who you can turn to for support when you need it, and you can never know what positive things the future might hold for you. I would also like to remind you that it’s not your fault, ever. Mental health is nothing you ever need to be ashamed of, and it’s okay to ask for help when you need it. And no matter how isolated you feel, remember that others have been through the same stuff and recovered from it, and you are definitely not alone.