Tired of The Shame

My dear friends,

Let me tell you the test GOD has walked me through this last month and its outcome. 

I guess, I should start at the beginning, I remember senior year me and a classmate, were walking and talking about our future. I remember it as if it was yesterday, me telling her, that I was going to go to business school at then come back at run a hotel.  I did manage to obtain a business degree specifically in management.  But I was not so fortunate to reach to hotel management.  But I am was still proud where I’ve reach in management arena with my level of experience.

Then came November of 2003 a year I will never forget for many reasons.  One is was the year I am now realizing has change the whole trajectory of my life.  But at the same time this was the year the most kind, loving, smart little human being was blessed to me by GOD. Unfortunately for me it did not come without its fair of challenges.  Now forgive, as my recollection has not return of this day not an ounce of it but going on what was told to me by the people I love and trust.  I do remember, I had been told to stopped to work on or about that November, so I was home alone the night this took place, my husband was at work.  Caution the rest is third person account.  My husband came home and found me seizing on the floor and I was rush to hospital where I suffer preeclampsia in the process of the seizing I bit my tongue. I was told they had to piece it back together.  In addition, because of what I had been through I was in a coma like state for an undetermined amount of time, I said that because the dates have not been collaborated.  I was told after, I woke, up I was acting erratic.  In retrospect, I am thinking, “duh,” and decision was made to put me on medications.  There started my long history with mental health issues.  

Let me tell you, this has brought me such shame and embarrassment, but no more.    I did not choose this, circumstance has it, “it chose, me.”  I did nothing wrong.  Since then I have been hospitalized due to crying spell, not eating, and rambling on.  Things, I feel, if my family where educated on would have taken me to see my doctor to adjust my medications rather than run an institutionalized me.  Don’t get me wrong. I am forever grateful, but if I am to help anybody, I am to be forcefully honest and truthful with my emotions.

 Now initially, I was diagnosed with postpartum depression.   I was even aware of that just woke up and I was in a facility.  Again, grateful if it helped.  But the crying spell never seized and still, these days. I still have my moments.  Call it denial. As many who experience this condition, to see the perception of what once was gone.  I here to tell you the minute you believe that they got you.  I’ve been in that mind set for a long time.  As times progressed so did the hospital stays, and doctor visits, and with those came new diagnosis.  Tell you something, funny, I remember only once questioning a doctor in the hospital about my diagnosis to which he replied, ‘bipolar.’   Never forget that day.

I would wear a mask at every mental health job I had because sick or not, I had to be financially capable to care of my family.  I would hear their story would show much empathy and little self-disclosure as to how my son came into the world, but I could never get myself to said you are not alone. 

Although this condition has made me related to my clients, not so to the other professional I worked with.  I was always the peculiar employee, but no, not really, I was just the one that was different, that needed a little bit more understanding.  But my client always took a liking to me. 

But this last position I held was different, other employer always realized I was peculiar, but they understood, I had the client interest at heart and that I worked hard for the client.  I did not get that feeling at all in the last employment, and now I look at it as a miracle it the demands they put on me to keep my job has made me realized I need to stop being shame and shortcoming myself, stop thinking I cannot work, and challenge myself to the fullest extend GOD is willing.