Depression and Navigating the Workplace

Last week I found out I was voted the happiest person at my workplace. As I laughed at the irony of the statement, I thought to myself of how good I had thought I had gotten at hiding my depressive symptoms to others. How I put on a happy mask at work and exuded so much energy to appear “normal” that when 5pm rolled around I could barely hold it together. Falling into pieces as I rode the subway home, wishing I could be vulnerable and share my truth.

This past April I had my worst depressive episode in my life. I had all the signs of depression but ignored them until it became unmanageable. It was hard to get out of bed, the little tasks of showering and cleaning my apartment seemed 

daunting, my concentration was gone, and my appetite dwindled. The worst was the depressive thoughts and isolation. The feeling of being misunderstood and alone at work, with friends, and family. It spiraled to the point where I was fearful of my own dark thoughts and needed to seek help through hospitalization. 

Having to balance work and a mental health crisis was beyond difficult, and I could no longer hide my illness. I terrifyingly told my supervisor I had to take a leave of absence with my sick time to get help. What I learned was that there is still a true lack of knowledge and awareness of depression. My coworkers were shocked, “you’re depressed” “but you were just laughing the other day and you just took a trip to Florida”. With depression, sometimes people just don’t get it because it’s not a visible illness. People think a person looks okay on the outside, so they should be fine on the inside, right? 

As I talked to my colleagues, the pain and shame of it all wavered through me. I felt judged and stigmatized for seeking inpatient help. I quickly learned the disconnect from my colleagues in understanding of an invisible illness versus a visible one through their treatment. I also realized I had to be my biggest advocate and fight for accommodations that would help me to continue to work and do my job. I asked friends and allies what to do and how to navigate work. I created a health plan, connected with my doctor to seek ADA accommodations such as flex time and remote work so I could go to my therapy appointments and recuperate with low energy levels.

While those accommodations helped, it hurt to see my treatment now versus when I broke my leg a year earlier. When I had a leg injury, I didn’t need to advocate, my office did it for me. They allowed me to work from home until I felt ready to come back and people were respectful of my medical condition. People offered to drive me to appointments and made me home cooked meals. While in the hospital for depression, all the little things coworkers did for my visible illness were absent, which made me feel even more alone.

Why write about this experience? Because the stigma of receiving help for mental illness is still incredibly strong and it is hard to navigate the workplace when you are having a crisis. Because individuals with mental illness deserve to be treated with parity in the workplace, and to be supported in and out of the hospital. Because we shouldn’t have to feel ashamed about seeking treatment and help. Because depression can be hidden, and even the people you think are happiest in your life could be struggling.

Reach out to those in your life with mental illnesses. Check up on that coworker who always seems like everything is alright. If you are an employer, support your employees when they ask for mental health help, and work with them to develop a plan to make it easier for them to transition back to work. For those of you with mental illness, I see you, I hear you, and your struggles are valid.