Phoenix *Trigger Warning*

Not sure how to start… I grew up in a perfect chaos. While I was being neglected by my extremely naive parents I was also being “spoiled”. My parents supplemented their lack of attention and love with materials. I often wonder what it would have been like had we been poor. Often times I’m grateful for the money then sometimes I resent it. The money is what enabled my parents to create a pretty picture and cause others to turn the other cheek. The first time I was sexually abused by one of my parents intoxicated “friends” I was 10 or 11 and unsure exactly if it was even wrong. It felt wrong. But it was “minimal” so I tried to suppress it. Then, it happened again and was worse at 13. I was still afraid to say anything. So I learned how to outsmart my parents and avoid being home. I had friends and good grades and they let me do whatever I want. I could drink and get high even. I often thank God for my older brother, he wasn’t fit to be a parent but he was the only adult that was “present”. Out of all the “things” my parents gave me to make up for the neglect, my older brother was the best. I still turn to him for saving. I struggle to maintain healthy relationships and I have constant paranoia someone is going to “get me” AND to top it all off I’m obsessed with STUFF! That’s how I learned love, thru material things. It was all I had. Needless to say it has made for one rough adulthood of pretending and struggling and wondering.