There is hope. *Trigger Warning*

I just want the world to know that no matter what or who you are, there’s hope.

We don’t walk around with a bandaid on our head, mental illness is much more complicated than that. They say we’re not alone but sometimes I rather be. But I know that I can’t do this alone and neither can you, with the human condition we need to be able to relate to each other.

The truth is that I’ve been very sick for a very long time, and treating it has always been like a full-time job that I can never seem to get right. I quit it when I was 14 and then again at 29, but I’m still here. I didn’t expect to make it to 30 and I was ok with that, but here I am at 30 and don’t understand how or why. I’m confused, afraid, and angry all of the time. Still don’t know what’s real and what 

isn’t. It wasn’t that long ago that I put a pistol to my head but didn’t pull the trigger. 

Maybe I’m not supposed to understand right now but all I know is that when you find coping skills that work for you and you force yourself to utilize them on a regular basis then it will eventually become second nature to you and new habits are formed. The reason I say “force yourself” at first is because more often than not, you’re just not gonna feel like it.

Personally I find my coping skills through things like yoga, meditation,  prayer, exercise, walking, church, playing the piano, journaling, making gratitude lists and affirmations… and with lots of support (all different kinds) and have filtered out any negative relationships and maintain the positive ones. I’m also heavily medicated and stay in therapy and in recovery since I was a meth addict in addition to the mental illness. There’s bearly any dopamine left in my brain and I haven’t been chemically able to truly feel anything good in the last 4 years. The brain recovery time after meth takes years to return to normal.

But again I will say this: I’m still here, and this is how I did it (and still do) through these kinds of things..

-Support / building a network

-Forming new habits / coping skills

-Helping others in any way I can, because it helps me

-Keeping an open mind and keeping my faith even when I’ve lost my hope

-Last but not least, by holding tightly onto the slight glimmer of hope left in me when the thought of suicide comes back around and letting my mind’s response be “what if I’m making a big mistake?”

These days, the thought ends there because I always want to know will happen next in my life and I’ll never get to find out after it’s too late to regret a decision that can’t be undone.

This has been my personal experience and since I’ve stayed alive to tell the story, here I am in hopes that it might help at least one person.