Self Care and Discovery vs Mental Illness

    At the start of my life i was hit with so many awful things that my brain had yet to process. Being told just as i grew up that “mental disorders are just an excuse unless people are really crazy.” I grew up thinking no one understood me and that I was just messed up in the head. 

   It was until recently when i found out about BPD, panic disorder and everything else that other people struggle with too. I pointed the finger at teenage emotions and hormones most of the time.  I couldn't pin down why I was the way I was, I ruined many friendships and relationships throughout the years because of my over reacting and inability to process the correct way to deal with emotions.

I have been able to move on with my life and successfully have many jobs, activities activities activities activities activities own home for many years now. I moved out at a young age and knew i needed the independence. Trying to cope with constant thoughts of suicide, fear of the future, unstable goals and wants. I keep myself in a cycle of just barley making it which is usually pushed from my anxious emotions of being a failure, Then comes in a cycle of depression and hopelessness. In those moments i feel the weight of the world crush down into me, while i lay many nights laying still and feeling like a pit of disappear. My anxiety is also with me telling me how when i lay around i will never get anything done and still result in being a failure. During these swings i find it hard to communicate my emotions and thoughts to people, I start to lash out in emotional rampages to the people in my life. This is when i begin to push people away and when friends walks away. I begin to keep isolating myself and lose interest in the activities that i was find joy in. This makes me feel awful like everything is my fault and that i am in fact a horrible person. I blame everything that goes wrong around me on myself. I raise expectations of people that are unrealistic. I do everything i can for people i run myself into the ground helping others when i cant even help myself. Then i tend to get angry when im not met with the same dedication. 

As i push people away the other side of me is freaking out about how i want attention. I want to be loved and nearly praised physically and mentally. This has lead me to bad decisions in men,sex and drugs. That again gives me falsehood that slowly fades as i come out and see where my life has ended up. I Nearly feel like i had been living in a movie that was like watching my own life but not living it. Triggers will hit me like none other and unfortunately I am unsure what emotional reaction will happen after. Sometimes a surge of anger or jealously comes in. Others a more blank and depressed response. Other times it just turn into crying and a complete mental break down and a train of thoughts that is filled with everything thats ever been wrong in my life. 

These swings can happen at work, when i have high stress. At home or when something goes sour in a relationship. I have know how long it will last or whats even more scary is thinking i will be in a emotional sucken hole my entire life. I want to self care and try to do hat i can for my mind and body to hopefully live the happiest life I can and find people that understand my impulsions. 

So everyday i awake with a new struggle and rush of emotions and try to face each day the best way i can