My Incredible Battle-Journey

For as long as I can remember, there has been a constant battle being waged inside of me against demons only I can feel and understand.

These demons go by many names; however Guilt, Fear, Rejection, and Pain are the fiercest of all. The war they wage is at the very core of my being and my hatred of the battle eventually led me to hate myself. Every night I would fight sleep - not wanting to sleep because that meant waking up and waking up meant the battle would begin again. My entire existence was lonely and exhausting.

When I began therapy and was given a diagnosis, I began to understand these demons I had named and fought and hated for all of those years were really the result of an illness, and just that simple understanding gave me back so much of the power I had lost to them. No amount of medication or therapy will completely take away my illness, and although they are quieter now, my demons will never completely diminish. I realized recently that although my battle will continue for as long as I’m around to fight it, there are things I can do to get out in front of it. Things that are not terribly comfortable for me:

Being open to connection & vulnerability;

Being strong enough to try and brave enough to fail;

Letting go without losing myself;

Staying strong but remaining kind, gracious, humble;

Asking for help;

Admitting defeat;

Walking away but holding it together;

Forgiving, and Forgiving, and Forgiving, and Forgiving.

And then Forgiving again.

I’m beginning to see the world through a new lens and my battle is beginning to feel more like a journey.
This battle-journey has brought with it a bit of clarity, and while I’m not completely there, I’m learning. I’m learning about myself and figuring out - one piece at a time - who I was, who I am, who I am becoming. And for the first time in a very long time, I like that person. 

Some people aren’t making this journey with me and that’s okay - I’ve made my peace with that. Forgiveness goes a long way toward peace - forgiveness of myself and of others makes the world outside a gentler one, and the world inside a quieter one. This quiet has allowed me to hear the voices who truly matter and to let them drown out the ones who don’t.

And today is good day and tomorrow may not be. And next month could be amazing or the toughest one yet. I’ll never be rid of my demons because they are a part of who I am, and I accept that. But I know now that they are no longer mine to fight, but mine to navigate - around and with and through - on my own unique battle-journey.

And so far - I think I’m doing alright.