Keep Going

I like to start off this story, my story by saying that it gets easier so don’t ever give up. There is a plan and purpose for each and every one of us. Now to the tough stuff. Growing up I always felt less than. I developed low self esteem by getting made fun of through each grade honestly. When I was growing up in the Bronx, my hair was made fun of a lot which resulted in me hating my hair even to this day, it is a sensitive topic for me. When I moved to Florida, I hoped it would be different but it wasn’t. It actually got much worse. I was told I wasn’t “black” enough because I didn’t lie cheat or steal and I should stop saying I was from New York because I didn’t carry the previous attributes. Loneliness begin to come upon me as I went through my awkward teen phase along with glasses and many ugly days. 

Fast forward to high school, because of what I like to call emotional trauma from bullying, I developed IBS and PMDD. Which basically means I kept getting bad stomachaches like my emotions when straight to my stomach and when I was on my menstrual cycle, my PMS was that much worse. I even begin hating myself. So I leaned on family as much as I could and my friends. Around this time mostly I developed a lot of crushes. I also wrote a lot of poems as release.

 Fast forward right before college, I had just got broken up with from my “first real puppy love” relationship and I was driving my mother to a doctors appointment while playing my favorite singer Demi Lovato. I was depressed beyond words. I got into a car accident and could have killed us both because I let my negative emotions and feelings consume me. Thank God we were alright. Can’t let the bad moody times get the best of you are horrible things can happen.

Fast forward to college, I decided I didn’t want to be made fun of and I tried to make a different kind of name for myself but instead it was the absolute worse. I was called the most horrible names from being something and someone that I was not. My family begin to worry about my bad habits and behavior and took me to a mental facility where I was diagnosed with schizophrenia affective. That was in 2016 after my best friend died. My dog. 

The years that followed leading up to now were definitely hard ones. I thought 2018 was the hardest when my failed relationship and engagement ended but my health took a turn for the worse also leading up to now.

Now my anxiety becomes the absolute worse and from time to time, I still find myself engaging in acts I prefer I didn’t as a way to run away from what is really inside bothering me. I have tried medications like Activan which made me numb and I have tried speaking to therapists for the way I have been feeling. 

Lean on someone, anyone. Don’t let rough times like these destroy your confidence and inner peace. I am a working progress and it keeps getting harder and a lot of times I feel like giving up. I’m a Christian but I have contemplated suicide or fell into suicide ideation but don’t be so hard on yourself. You are doing the best that you possibly can. Love yourself, get a good support system around you but most of all KEEP GOING.