Around and Around We Go

Today I find myself realizing that I’m stuck in a cycle of anxiety and panic. This happens from time to time, but a well balanced cocktail of medication keeps the occurrences few and far between. A week ago, however, I decided it would be best to stop my medication again. Because that’s always a great idea (insert heavy sarcasm here).

I had a panic attack Thursday night. Today is Monday and I spend the entire weekend locked in my house. I couldn’t bring myself to brush my hair, put on makeup, operate a vehicle, or put one foot in front of the other without giving up and retreating back home. I did drag myself to the store with some help from my husband, but quickly became overwhelmed and snapped at him for wanting to make an extra stop. I was so exhausted. He did nothing wrong, but my brain identified him as a threat. How could he expect me to go anywhere else?

I drank and smoked until my brain went numb. This didn’t make anything better. In fact, I’m certain it made things worse because today I’m back at work and I am so desperate to be home with my vices. I want to be locked in my little cave, away from everyone and lose myself in them. But the logical part of my brain is screaming at me. I’m a sucker for a little logic.

I called my physician today and scheduled an appointment to get back on my meds. I think it’s time to finally go back to therapy too. I could stay on this terrible, dangerous merry go round or I could try to do something different. Today, I’m ready, but tomorrow may be different. I’m hoping that writing this down will keep me accountable.