Ripples in a Pond *Trigger Warning*

“Maybe I should suicide myself?” Those are the words of my 9 year old son. Words he spoke the other day because he dearly misses his 17 year old cousin who died by suicide 16 months ago. He wants to see her. Words I now carry with me every moment of every day.

I was there that morning. I arrived right after the police. It was like a scene in a movie. Emergency lights flashed from every direction. I left my car in the middle of the road, door open, pushed past the police on the street, and ran into the house.

Looking back on that day, I can see myself as if I was watching from above. My sister and her husband were inconsolable. Police everywhere. Screams and tears. So many tears. Then of course the phone calls when you don’t have any words. Such a blur.

What is clear are the moments I was able to sit with my niece before she was taken away. The quiet in her bedroom was deafening. I wanted it all to stop. I wanted to turn back the clock. To have one more chance. As I sat there the realization hit me like a wave. Everything had changed. I couldn’t stop it. Nothing would ever be the same again. My niece… she was gone.

It’s been sixteen months and no one has “moved on”. It’s something we carry with us every day. It’s part of all of us. That loss, the grief, the anger and disbelief. It makes every step harder to make and every breath harder to take.

My niece was in pain - blinding pain. I sat on the front steps that morning and read the note she left. Ten pages of writing that drifted in and out as the effect of the medication she took swept over her. She wasn’t angry. She was however more afraid of waking up then dying. Those were her exact words! She was only two months shy of 18, yet she couldn’t see the light her future held. Any hope she had gathered over time had slipped through her fingers. She couldn’t hold on any longer.

I’m grateful that her pain has stopped but I wish she could have seen or felt the love she was leaving behind. The devastation that has ripped through our family is the result of the tremendous love we all felt for her. She was a beautiful light. She brought so much joy to us all. Yet she struggled to feel any herself.

Life will never be the same. People say that it gets better with time. A big part of me wants to scream that I don’t want everything to be ok because it’s not. We’re not and that hole will always be there.

My kids still struggle every day. She was a regular part of their life. She loved them unconditionally and them her. There is no good way to explain to a child how this disease could have taken her away from us and why we weren’t able to help her. Especially when we’re trying to make sense of it ourselves. Their cares should be limited to skinned knees and homework. Childhood shouldn’t be marked by anxiety, depression, and loss.

I’ve read that, “A suicide death is like a pebble in a pond. The waves ripple outward.” At least for those near the center, what I found is those ripples are more like tidal waves that don’t recede. Suddenly solid ground is ripped from beneath you when you don’t know how to swim.

What I wouldn’t give for another chance to reach my niece. Knowing the pain she was in crushes my soul. She had the most beautiful heart. If only she could have seen what we saw when we looked at her. If only she could have felt how loved she was.

If you are struggling with depression or thinking about suicide, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE reach out for help. You are not alone. You deserve to feel love and happiness. You might not feel it or see it right now but there are people who care, who see your worth, who understand your pain, and want to help. If you don’t feel like you can reach out to someone in your life, you can confidentially call or text counselors who can help.

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org

You are loved and you deserve your own happiness. You deserve your own future. You are not alone!