Paralegal, Nurse, Insurance ***Trigger Warning***

My name is Child of the one true king. I believe its why I am alive today.

My story is about many stories, many chapters- Of How I Cope with Chronic Trauma- and my truama- is part of what makes me unique. Why? There was a time when I felt ashsmed for being me- mostly because PTSD was my diagnosis- I just didnt know there was something wrong. As a child,how can you tell things are not quite as it should be- when you have nothing to compare it too.  As a child stress levels go up- and you cant run away? What is that? ask for help? what is that? drugs to escape? what is that? Sometimes as a child- I learned to cope by dreams of being a grown up so you can be safe. Thats what my dream was- to be a grown up. In the mean time I coped- I was 7 years old, and had to survive- from my trauma and live to be a grown up.I tried to stay away from home- all day.I tried not to eat, so others may eat. I hid under a blanket and rocked in my rocking chair for hours.. hiding. Hiding from the monster in my home trying to rape me. I would hide and sing loudly..so I couldnt hear his voice calling me  nor could I see his eyes. I would come home from school lay on my bed- and sing and move my head side to side- for hours, until I passed out. I would also sit on the side of my bed- and jump- in a rythem to sing- always with my eyes closed. Funny thing. I am a parent and raised 2 children. I have been very successful accomplishing to learn things in my life- law, medicine, insurance and finance  a book is how I parent- I didnt trust I had answeres  but a book helped me, as I had no parenting as a child and no one to turn too as an adult. I am discribed as someone who is too kind, and caring.. I sometimes felt bad- as a few times I was described as painfully kind and caring. I suppose as a parent- I couldnt understand why a child, such as myself- had to dream of being a grown up, and have her childhood taken away- as she needed to cope. This same child did grow up-and now spent most of her life in therapy. Does it work? Therapy- yes. Am I cured  no. I had to wait a long time to learn and understand- That my childhood was not normal. I had to learn, on my own - when I was married, through my husband, that there was something wrong. It was a good thing- I was able to learn a new word. It was Hope. My life is not perfect- and I get that we all do not have a perfect life- but for me  and my normal, is diffrent from most normals- at least its my hope. My poor husband now my ex, and I am learning to cope as a survivor of PTSD - that I also have to live with the in humane stigma- as many are not aware of mental illness, and some are afraid of getting help- as they have watched how society is not ready to get help for their personal mental state, so to turn the focus off of themselves- lets hurt someone like me.. Its been a challenge. My hope has been rerouted- I hope I am able to create hope in others, children.. by inspiring other children, who maybe unaware that there is something wrong- and teach others through my stories of chronic trauma; so that painful traumatic experience,  my story can save a life, change a life- too help me cope with my trauma by helping I feel my truama was not in vain. And in the end of my life- I can say, I truely Survived. Thats my new dream- God Bless