My Minds Life

Life is difficult, we all know this, specifically those of us with a mental illness, diagnosed or not. It isn’t easy both ways, in most cases. In my case, it actually got worse once I was diagnosed. After my first anxiety attack, I down spiraled into episodes of depressive moods. There was one time I fell to the ground screaming at school. I miss a lot of school because of this. My district even sent me a notice that if I was gone for more than two days I needed a doctors note, which my mom was not happy about that. She got really upset that I had to have a doctors note for a mental illness, and if they ever brought it up again, I know she would have fought them over it. I love her, I love my parents, I am very fortunate to have support and help for my issues. I know not everyone has this.

I am currently 13 years old, a female going into 8th grade this year. I have had reminiscence of anxiety my entire life, up from when my consciousness was working and until now. I’ve had a lot of scary moments, from the first mental breakdown up until one of the previous winter breaks. When I had my first breakdown, I was going hysterical. I thought my parents were going to take me to a mental hospital. I kept asking if they thought I was crazy because I was so scared. During winter break of 6th Grade, I had a lot of stress. My family was renovating and so it was really chaotic. I was on the verge of cutting. I was terrified, crying to myself as I called my school to talk to the therapist. We talked for at least an hour or two before I calmed down and we talked about what I could do and to talk to my parents. It was really scary, but it is something I am proud of, I reached out for help before I did anything. Not something I can say about hiding in the office room for 2 hours until someone found me. Or hiding behind a staircase at school for 2 classes until I came out and went to the office. Those moments I regret, but it happens.

I’m in middle school and it’s really difficult for me socially. I do online PE because being in a PE class gave me so much stress, half the time I sat to the side trying not to cry. I’m getting a good grade and I am doing better in other classes because I’m not stressed about going to that class. Not to say I don’t have issues. My main issue is I get overwhelmed so much at school, I generally have more than 2 panic attacks a week. The difference from before is that I can still function after them. It used to be I had to just go home for the day. My experiences are all over the place, I also got on the verge of becoming anorexic in one summer break, but I was able to pull myself out of it. I have my family by my side. My friends don’t know much about my anxiety, but I talk to them openly if they are curious, I explain things on what to do if I or someone else goes into a mental breakdown. It makes me really happy to watch them learn and grow on how to help others when they need it. I just wanted to share my experiences and some of my story to others. It gets better, I don’t know how I got better, but I did. It happened the day I was told my dad was completely cured of cancer, which that story is for a completely different time, but it’s a special day for multiple reasons. Thank you for reading, I hope I made some people inspired, maybe understand it doesn’t matter if someone ‘has it worse’ it is still a problem. I definitely have it easier than most, but that doesn’t take away the fact that I still have anxiety and I still struggle heavily from it.You are valid, no matter how bad you think it is, it is still something that affects you. Stand strong, voice what you want and you need, be the person you want to be, tell your mental illness who is boss, even if some days it takes over, you can still be in control, so prove it.