NAMI - You are Not Alone — Happy And Good Strong And Tough *TRIGGER WARNING*

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See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna

Happy And Good Strong And Tough *TRIGGER WARNING*

My first experience with suicide came when I was only 8 years old. My oldest sister took her own life when she was just 20 years old. They say suicide doesn’t end the pain; it just passes along to someone else. This must be true as only 5 years later my father took his own life in 2010. This death was particularly difficult for me for I was the classic 13-year-old boy who idolized his dad and wanted to be just like him when I grew up. I dedicated my athletic success over the next 5 years to him and the lessons he taught me, and I was happy for a while.

Then, two months after I graduated college, in August 2019 my loving girlfriend of 3 years decided to break up with me via text message a few weeks before she went back to college (she was one year younger than I and we had attended the same school). I was devastated. I didn’t think it was real life and had a really hard time accepting reality. So much so that I fell into a very dark place and developed a plan to take my own life. Fortunately for me, I knew all too well what it would mean to my family and friends if I were gone, so I sought help. I scheduled an appointment nearly two weeks post-break up with my psychiatrist. Maybe an hour after speaking with her and telling her the truth with what I was feeling I found myself in the back of a cop car on the way to a mental hospital. The hardest part of being in the hospital was telling my ex I was going to be there and attempting to call her to no avail. I never received a call back. She never cared to see how I was, even after I got out, which was a real kick in the you-know-where.

So, I completed my 2.5 weeks in the looney bin, got put on medication, and made some friends whom I still speak with to this day. Everything was going a lot better when I got out. I had friends and family visit me on the inside, so they knew what was going on and were extremely supportive. Life seemed to be getting brighter and brighter after that deep, dark, low period I went through. That was until mid-November when I discovered my loving ex-girlfriend was hooking up with one of my friends at school. In my mind he was smarter and better looking than I and this was her upgrade. I felt absolutely betrayed. I told myself that this was the final heartbreak I would be able to endure. This time I not only formulated a plan to end my life but had every intention of carrying it out. I stopped taking my medication cold turkey because I knew that was the only way I’d be able to go through with it. I self-harmed myself in a few ways and made a playlist of the most depressing songs I could find, which I listened to on repeat.

What ended up saving me was my older brother. Never once in his life have I heard him tell me he loved me or have ever seen him show emotion. When my mom told him how bad it got this time around and the reason behind it he took off work to come spend time with me and after confessing my plans to him, he slept in my room with me and drove me to see my psychiatrist the next morning. It was there where I saw my tough as nails older brother cry and tell me he loved me for the first time. I was mad at him, my mom, and my friends for thwarting my plans to end it all, but there was still a part of me that was touched. I went to the ER this time and with the help of my brother I was able to get out that same day and sign up for outpatient therapy.

It has been about 2 months since this last incident and I’m feeling so much better than I ever have before. I’m going out with friends more, going on dates, working out regularly, going on vacations, and applying for full-time jobs. I finally realized that I’m not the one who lost the most in this situation because I lost someone who clearly didn’t care about me while she lost someone who cared so much for her. I still avoid seeing her on social media and in person in order to limit my triggers, but I can honestly say time has helped me heal and I’m excited to move forward with my life and meet new people.

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