Anxiety kills me
life is cruel.
That/s the only thing that i believe when i was a kid. I always ignored my family, too scared to speak to them,either my words hurt them or their words hurt me. I’m a silent daughter. I still remember that i always need to give up on everything with my siblings. Even my little sister did bullied me. At first i thought that it is my fault. I am just a useless human being. Not only that,whatever i did is wrong. For example, when i want to help my mom at the kitchen, I always do mistakes. And she never being supportive instead telling me that i am a useless daughter. It hurts my feeling so much when everyone in my family bullied because of that. My very own father always told me that i have no skills in life. And if you think that being a genius at your school is cool, it is not to me.
I always get good results in my exams,a quiet student in class and never ever speak to anyone,even the teacher. That is why when i was in Grade 1, when my class teacher put a loud boy beside me to keep him from talking too much, he stopped talking. Everyone thought that it was amazing and me too felt proud that i could make myself useful once. When i was in Grade 2, i didn’t want to go to school because i was scared to meet my teachers and classmates. My mother need to go to school herself to tell my teacher to give more attention to me as she thought that i was bullied. I know that some of you might think that it is not too hard when you only read this but never experience it. Trust me, growing up in a mentally abusive family with no friend since kindergarten and thinking that i am this way is because of myself being useless is so damn hard. Not a single day passed by without me thinking to kill myself.
Not until one day when my cousin who had the same anxiety as me told me of my illness. It is called social anxiety. And when i read about it, i never felt so happy. Before this, i always thought that i am like this because of myself but now i believe that what i need is a psychologist to help out of my problem. I told my mom about it and she told me that i am being delusional. She told me that kids nowadays tend to say they are this way when in reality they’re just too weak to accept life burdens. But, i am not those kids. This illness had been inside me since i was a kid, and now after almost 5 years fighting against it, i finally can shut it most of time.But,i am sorry to say that the monster will never die. It creeps into my mind sometimes when i am socializing and it is so hard to fight it. But, with time and self-trust, now i can finally talk with people while looking into their eyes!
