My Story **Trigger Warning**
Hello to all, I hope my story can help people to understand a little better and to give some hope to the suffering. I always considered myself to be smart, driven and focused on living a productive life trying my best to be compassionate, moral and of service to others. I always had good grades, raised strictly Catholic by loving parents who expected a lot. I was always a perfectionist. I’ve worked full time in health care since age 16. Graduated from Nursing School as an RN. By 22 I was a nurse, wife and mother of 2.Never had any problems with the law. Married my only boyfriend, high school sweetheart. Started working night shift in our local community hospital where I enjoyed a 30 year career working in the Emergency Dept. I LOVED my life. 2 daughters during my 20’s and my beloved son Charles was born when I was 33. Still in love with my husband. I had such a blessed life. Both my husband and I enjoyed having drinks through the years. We both came from Irish/Scottish heritage and both of our families used alcohol to both celebrate and grieve. Never thought much of it. Didn’t seem like a problem. Then real life started setting in.
My husband’s brother was crushed by a snow plow at age 22. I lost my father on my10th anniversary. The kids were growing into typical defiant teens. We dabbled in reversal drugs over the years. Nothing bad. Around age 40 I developed what I now know is Rheumatoid arthritis right when I started menopause. The pain was excruciating and no Dr. believed me. Occ. I would throw out my back and was frozen from pain. Occasionally I would get Percocet. Perhaps 3-4 Rx. But the Drug Reps gave us Hefty bags filled with Ultracet/Ultram. “Perfectly safe” Just like Motrin or Tylenol they said. This was going on through the 90’s. A whole list of unfortunate incidents did me in. The hospital got shut down. We all lost our jobs. Divorce. Financial crisis. Teenagers being bad teenagers. Car reposessed. House in foreclosure. Our beloved dog died.Unrelenting pain. Now people need detox/rehab to get off Ultracet. I had no idea I was addicted and needed medical treatment. I became sooo depressed. Couldn’t think/remember. Couldn’t move. I went to the Employee Crisis office in Clara Maass Med Center. They referred me to a therapist, an 80 year old man, retired pastor who I had one meeting with at the local bank in the evening. He advised I join a book club. No medical record, no Dr. No lab work or diagnostic tests.
I was so out of it I didn’t even see any problem. Plus I was in opiate withdrawal all the time. So I began to seek prescriptions. To treat the arthritis and the withdrawl. I medicated myself with alcohol and drugs. DUI ! Arrested! I met a new man. A nasty, controlling CON man who was despised by everyone in town. He very quickly got me addicted to crack and withheld it from me unless I sexually satisfied him. He destroyed whatever self esteem I had left and stole every cent I had. He was physically, verbally and sexually abusive. He cheated and flaunted his abuse as a sign of Biker pride. 10 years let him abuse me. I lost all my friends and family. I was a penniless, homeless, zero alcoholic, crack, opioid addict sex slave. How in hell did I get here? Of course I was fired. Accused of diverting meds. They sent me to rehab so I could keep my job/RN license I lost both.
I ended up moving to my mother’s. She had terminal cancer and I promised I would stay with her till the end and also try to begin again. I had no money and no car. I was isolated in excruciating pain, in constant withdrawal and totally humiliated/ depressed and alone. I didn’t think anything could be worse. But I was wrong again. I made a deal with Mom that I would take care of her until the end in exchange for 500 dollars a month. That barely covered basics. Mind you I was one of 4 children. I had 3 brothers who made it perfectly clear that they were not responsible for ANYTHING related to Mom’s hospice care. I worked with her 24/7 all alone for over a year without one day off. They didn’t even volunteer to relieve me for minutes, let alone hours or days. They did NOTHING. Paid NOTHING. Contributed NOTHING. They all had wives and children. NONE of them offered either. They beat a down dog. Never let me forget what a dirtbag I was. They knew nothing about the sexual/ physical abuse and sleeping on the street. Towards the end the two brothers who lived local both told me to pack my F-ing stuff and get the hell out. And take my f-son with me. My Mom cried every night begging me not to leave her. She was afraid of them. They bullied her into changing her will. Substantially cutting me out. They also divied up the house taking every thing they wanted. A new car. China, crystal, expensive heirlooms. They even took items that I had gifted to my mother. They had complete control of all assets and were coExecuters. I was homeless and penniless. They pretended during the funeral that they were so concerned. Making themselves look so good to the family. In the end they gave me 3000 dollars as my part of a n insurance policy. I was put out of her house and essentially became dead to them within days. Never a thank you for nursing Mom. My youngest brother told my entire family that I stole her Pain meds. That was it. The assassination/annihilation was complete. They made sure that I not only lost my siblings but also my children and extended family too. I was defeated, hopeless, anything left of me they destroyed. Out of spite and for my share of the will. They threatened to keep all of my other brother’s money because he drank heavily and had been estranged for years. Totally against the will which equally divided 4ways. I went to a lawyer who said they had been so wrong and so vindictive I could have charged them criminally. After years of fighting I FINALLY got the China my mother had always promised me but it came in a plastic tub container with dirt/ soil in the bottom. Not one strip of wrapping to protect it. Lenox China just thrown in a filthy box. Literally thrown. A slap in my face. This China that my mother protected and loved with bare hands. Treated like trash. Well it’s been 10 years since Mom died. I spent the first 5years devastated and alone. Furious.
yUninvited to family events. They lost the only sister they will ever have. They hurt her so much as she was dying. I’ve prayed and prayed that God would give me the Grace to forgive them. But I haven’t. I’ve tried. The loneliness and mental anguish of all things past still haunt me. I still have no treatment for the Rheumatoid arthritis. I can’t afford it. My teeth are gone. The pain is unrelenting. But I’m sober. Somehow through all the sh*t I survived and continue on. Depths of depression, the anxiety of homelessness and no where to go, abuse and addiction to horrible life altering drugs, the trauma of abuse. From the com man and then my brothers. The overwhelming stress and untreated arthritis have destroyed my body. In the past 2 years I have lost my beloved son to an accidental death and 6 months to the day of his death I had triple bypass surgery. God isn’t finished with me yet. But I fought and consider myself a survivor. But I always wonder how different my life would have been if only my employer had helped me way back when I went to the Employee Crisis office and got the mental health care I desperately needed.
On September 9rd 2003, my doctor diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder I . (Bipolar II is mostly depression with some manic episodes. Bipolar I is full blown mania with little depression.