Keeping My Head Above Water ***Trigger Warning***
I have managed my mental illness, SMI, for over 35 years. Sometimes well, other times not. Now that I am 67 years old and feeling healthy and optimistic, it is time to share my story. Born in southern Illinois, I appeared to be a normal, healthy and happy product of a two parent household. I was motivated to be the first in my family to graduate from college and in 1976 received my Master’s degree and went on to a career in teaching art. For about 10 years I was working and living successfully and then I distinctly remember telling a friend “I think I am headed for a breakdown”. To which she replied - “not you”.
Well, I continued to keep my mental health issues a secret and the cost of that decision was dramatic. Eventually in the early 80s I sought treatment and was hospitalized 5 times in a year. In the interim, my career ended, my family when I finally disclosed my condition never spoke of it to this day. I felt completely abandoned and literally ran away from home in at the age of 36, landing in southern AZ. The geographical change kept me going for a bit, but for nearly 15 years I could not hold a job for a year, resulting in dire financial losses. When I was down to my last $100 and only my car I accepted a job on a guest ranch as a housekeeper to have a place to live and meals. Another time I took a job in a national park for the same reasons, only to fail miserably. Those years were filled with desperation and recovery from a serious suicide attempt. However, somehow I was kept alive most likely due to my faith. The loss of family, friends, career, financial stability, social interaction, and more felt like a black hole, and depressive episodes were filled with unbearable psychic pain. In 2001 a very wise woman gave me the chance to work for an outreach program at the University of AZ. I didn’t remember sharing in the interview that I suffered from depression and often times my work suffered, yet she hired me. As a result, I worked for the state of AZ for 10 years and am grateful for the source of income provided me. Then in 2006 I moved to N AZ and met the medical director for a community clinic who took me on as her patient - she literally saved my life. I have experienced episodes of depression on and off, yet I continue to move forward and consider myself blessed. My story is one of determination, loss, rejuvenation, faith and treatment. And I would be happy to share it with others as a testament to continuing on regardless of how dark it appears. There is always hope, and I live to tell about it. Most recently I have relocated to Green Valley and have manged to engage in the community and enjoy life to the best of my ability. While I desire closer relationships and struggle developing those, I know in my heart that the stigma I once felt and prevented me from full disclosure is no longer a factor in my life. I am proud and ready to share and tell my entire story and am beginning work on a book to assist those with SMI’s to successfully manage their finances, whatever those may be.
On September 9rd 2003, my doctor diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder I . (Bipolar II is mostly depression with some manic episodes. Bipolar I is full blown mania with little depression.