NAMI - You are Not Alone — Forgiveness and Guilt in Mental Health and...

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Forgiveness and Guilt in Mental Health and Addiction

In 2016, I was sitting in a jail cell after 8 years of battling dual-diagnosis Bi-Polar and addiction. I had graduated 2 inpatient rehab programs, a 6-month outpatient, and had resided in a Christian sober living house for 9 months. All within 2 years. Needless to say, I was trying to overcome.. and felt like I was failing. The hopelessness of battling addiction and mental health is overwhelming at times.

One positive thing about incarceration is that you have a lot of sober time to reflect on life. Before my ailments had seized control, I had a great career, a healthy bank account, and was a well-adjusted member of society. I knew that if I wanted that back, I was going to have to come to terms with what had happened in my life, and what I had done to end up in my current situation. Let me be clear here, mental health and addiction are diseases, and no one chooses to be in the situations that they find themselves in because of these diseases. Regardless, some soul searching was in order.

There were many things that had happened to me in my life that were wrong, that I hated, and I found it almost impossible to imagine the idea of forgiving the people that I felt were responsible for these events. Still, I knew forgiveness was important in recovery and for a healthy life in general. I was locked up for 6 months and I spent about half of those days praying and meditating on forgiveness.

At some point, I began to turn my attention inwards and to think not about all the harm that had been done to me, but about all the harm that I had done. This was the turning point in my road to forgiveness and recovery. I matched up significant events that I wanted to be able to forgive, with actions that I would like forgiveness for. It was an amazing revelation. For nearly every injustice that had happened in my life, I was able to find an act that I had committed that was similar in magnitude. As I matched up and meditated on these events, they began to fade away. I felt the ability to forgive and the feeling of forgiveness. It was a beautiful moment, and one that would lead to me having a good life again.

My story is not unique, though. An article from the American Psychological Association website confirms that and analysis of 54 forgiveness studies using 2 different methods, “helped people forgive and also improved their mental health.”[1] Amazingly, they found that subjects who scored high on measures of forgiveness, cancelled out a link between high lifetime stress and poor mental health, effectively negating the effect of lifetime stress on mental health. Also, as I found out, there are methods to increase our ability to forgive, and for me this was a key to overcoming my adversities.

As of this writing, I have been completely clean and sober for over 2 ½ years. I also found a bipolar medication that works well to even out my moods and have not experienced a debilitating manic-depressive cycle in the same amount of time. I have graduated all legal supervision and have not had an interaction with law enforcement in almost 4 years. I prioritize my health now. I maintain a healthy diet. I exercise, and make sure and get a healthy amount of sleep. Taking charge of my decisions and my disease led to the biggest blessing and miracle I have ever experienced. The ability to live and hope again. Most of all, I am happy, and I truly believe that this exercise in forgiveness was essential to my recovery. I hope this story helps someone to rise above their affliction.



[1] Kirsten Weir, “Forgiveness Can Improve Mental and Physical Health”, 2017, http://www.apa.org/monitor/2017/01/ce-corner (accessed March 4, 2020)

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