I Am Patient 139 and I Survived

In August of 2019 I decided I was going to end my life. After several months of severe depression, extreme mood swings, a rough go at work, and a complete loss of control, I was put on a new depression medication that triggered a need for suicide. 

After experiencing extreme side effects, my boyfriend took me to the emergency room for stomach pain where I confessed to a nurse that I was going to kill myself. I brushed it off causally, “I don’t know I’d probably just take some medication and fall asleep in the bathtub.“ 

At the time it sounded pretty logical and easy. To the nurses, I was a harm to myself. 

Before I knew it I was strapped to a gurney on a 5150 hold by the state of California on a collision course to 72 hours of terror and reflection. 

After not sleeping for 2 days, being poked, prodded, and placed in room 139 of a behavioral health unit, I looked in the mirror and thought, "How the hell did you get here, Tess. Everyone has always looked up to you. You’re a musician and a creative and you have a good job, a nice family who helps you out, a boyfriend who would do anything for you, and talent that everyone recognizes as incredible, but you still want to die. How the hell did you get here.”

I sat down on the hard, plastic bed and grabbed the piece of scrap paper I had taken from the common area, and a miniature thick marker i’ll never forget the brand: Pipsqueaks by Crayola and I started to write. 

“Patient 139/ sits in 4/4 time/ craving peace of mind and a pen." 

These lyrics would shape my future and bring me back to life as the person I knew I used to be. You see, my entire life I had been running, producing, creating, working, traveling, being adventurous, existing as a beacon of success. Once I stopped running and got in my head, I was sick. I ran out of gas. I couldn’t get out of bed. My moods were soaring and diving weekly. I didn’t recognize myself. 

Ever since I was a little kid, I knew I was put on this earth to share music and help others through it. 

While in inpatient care, I learned that I was bipolar. I was put on a host of trial-and-error meds that led me through months of harsh side effects and agony, but ultimately I found a cocktail that gave me some relief, although every day is a struggle. 

My main goal to get my life back on track was to record an album. Through therapy, support from my partner and family, I worked up the courage to continue to write songs, finish the song "Patient 139” and record a 4-song EP that chronicles the story of my survival. 

It was released on March 27, 2020. When I promoted it online, I received hundreds of comments from young people sharing their stories, finding inspiration, and relating to the song and the message. The darkness I experienced transformed into light. And I realized that, that was the point of my music all along. 

It’s an exciting time for me but I still have my setbacks. Mania and depression flow through me like waves that just wo’t crash. I’m still cycling through doctors, and moods as if they were wheels on a bicycle but I know things are trending upward. 

I hope that one day I could speak at your conference, play this music, perform and share how I got my hope back. I still have sad thoughts and I still don’t know how things will be day to day, but I do know that I’m going to make it, and I’m helping other people make it too. 

Thank you