A submission for November’s Topic: Why support is important

When I think back to the days before I was diagnosed with several mental illnesses, I remember feeling so hopeless and helpless. My mind would be screaming out for help and I felt trapped. I felt trapped because my depression held my brain hostage. I remember journaling often and would write things like, “I don’t know why my life is worth living”, or “I don’t deserve to live because of all the shameful things I have done.“ 

Guilt and shame would override any glimpse of hope I ever had. I felt guilty that I wasn’t living at home anymore helping to support my single mother with two teenagers left in the house. I felt guilty because I would spend all my money on drinking and doing drugs. I felt shameful because I shoplifted before. I felt shameful for even thinking myself as somewhat attractive.

 With all of these thoughts working against me, there wasn’t a hope left in the world for me. I thought about committing suicide often. It didn’t help that I was in a very toxic, mentally abusive relationship at the time. It also didn’t help that my mother was narcissistic and needed help of her own. Around this time, I had no emotional support. I felt I had to do something or else I was going to really hurt myself and possibly end up dead. 

So, I got a dog. His name was Zeek, he was a little cairn terrier. I picked him because he was the smartest and calmest out of all the dogs I saw and pet.  I knew he was just what I needed to feel like there was actual positivism in the world. I could tell he wanted to love me unconditionally. I’ve never felt the love of a pet like I did with Zeek.

 He was so special because I felt like taking care of him took the focus off my pain. Granted, I should have dealt with my mental health first, but I didn’t have health insurance and there were no government programs to help me at that time. Zeek was my emotional support for many beautiful years. He saw the darkest parts of my life and still loved me. Zeek knew when I was depressed and when I needed love.  When I wasn’t feeling well, he always lied down next to me so I could pet him for 3 hours if I wanted. He used to wake me up by licking my eyelids when he needed to go outside. We would go on long walks within the city and everyone always said how cute that he was. I really felt proud to have Zeek. 

 Zeek would always protect me too. He would bark at my abusive boyfriend if he got too loud with me. Even if someone was pretending to hit me, he would still bark really threateningly toward the person. I actually felt like he was my savior because I have never had someone want to protect my emotional space. He was my first fur-son and I always spoiled him like he was my child.  I made sure no one was going to hurt Zeek because he was too precious to me.

 Around Zeek’s 6th birthday, I was finally able to get the help I needed. I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), Obsessive Compulsive behavior (OCD) and anxiety. I was in the hospital for ten days, and got sober after I got out. Once I saw how terrible I was actually being treated, I finally had the courage to leave my abusive relationship.

 I rented a moving truck and my brothers helped me move out and come back to my hometown. Unfortunately, I went from one abusive relationship to a not so noticeable abusive relationship, but I was receiving help. I finally got to see a counselor every week and I was under the care of a psychiatrist.

 Zeek lived to be 13 years old. Toward the end of his life I was finally in a healing emotional space and was very grateful for the time he was with me. He gave me hope beyond measure and led me out of the darkness. Zeek wasn’t the obvious choice to some to be an emotional support, but to me, he was everything I needed and more. He was really happy toward the end of his life. We had a stable home and he also befriended a cat that pushed hot dog buns off the counter so he could eat them when I wasn’t home. He was the best emotional support for me and I thank the universe everyday for the time I was able to spend with him. Zeek is the reason why I feel support is so important.